My little scout returned ❤️

My little third born scout returned from a weekend of camping today 😍 I knew she had arrived as the car turned onto the estate – I could say it was a Mother’s love and instinct – but I could smell her a mile away!

She arrived with her muddy rucksack and smelling like a bonfire!  She hadn’t brushed her hair for 4 days or changed her clothes!

She had a fantastic weekend although she did say she had tears on the last night wanting to come home – she was freezing in her tent but I like to think she missed me more than her creature comforts 😄

Tomorrow is the beginning of her S.A.T.S. Exams so I’m glad she had some fun before they begin – I refuse to wish her luck because I don’t agree with these exams but she’s looking forward to this week – not for the exams – but because they get a free cooked breakfast ……… 😄

 

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I’m here for my Tooth dammit!

Remember my broken dodgy wisdom tooth?  Well it’s still awaiting extraction but yesterday I had to go for my pre-op assessment at the hospital.

I followed the directions to the building I required – only to find my TOOTH clinic was in the same building as the Sexual Diseases Clinic! 😳

And if that wasn’t bad enough – the entrance was on the main road – my appointment was for 9.00am – rush hour – so I played the part for all the watching motorists sat in the traffic – and had a good scratch before entering the building! 😄

The lies that drip from my lips 😜

“What’s this?” asks Lana, holding a tooth in her hand and looking at me accusingly

“It’s Arowyn’s tooth that came out on Friday” I reply

“Why is it in your room?” bloody hell, she’s like a dog with a bone!

“The Tooth Fairy is on holiday this week” I say

“Why?”

“It’s Spring Lana, the Tooth Fairy has to take a holiday sometime, and the beginning of Spring is a good time to polish her wings, check for any damages and suchlike – abit like an MOT”

“She’ll be back at the end of the week”

WHEN MOMMY’S BEEN PAID !!!! 😜

Dentists, velociraptors, drugs and all that shit!

What a bloody week I’ve had – I’ve been so drugged up I feel like I’ve done a week at a Rock Festival – but with none of the fun that goes with it 😳

When I was at primary school we used to have a mobile dentist come to the school – in his little caravan.  It was so exciting – we would all queue up, pushing and shoving, desperate to get in that caravan – he was abit like the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang 😄 we would love to have our little shiny teeth looked at – get a sticker and some of that pink stuff to swill around in our little mouths.  And then it all changed 😳 My Mom started taking us to a private dentist.  I could name and shame him cos I know he’s long dead now – I know this because he was about 80 when we used to see him – I think he also had Parkinson’s as he used to shake like fuck when that drill was in our mouths ………… This is where my fear came from!

As a consequence I tend to only go to the dentist when absolutely necessary – or for my children, who have bloody perfect teeth, due, I’m sure, to me forcing a toothbrush in their little mouths making sure they never have cavities.

So off I trotted to see my dentist – at this point I was on pain killers every 4 hours and also antibiotics.  I started to cry as soon as he pinned me down on his chair – with his knee 😳 actually he was really nice and kind – which made me cry even more – how can someone so kind inflict so much pain for a living?  Actually that’s a lie too – he didn’t hurt me – apart from his knee 😳 and even though I behaved like a wailing velociraptor and tried snapping at his fingers – and his knee – throughout it all he was very kind – so kind, infact, that I offered to make him a cake 😄😄😄 this is my way of showing love to my fellow man – I always offer to bake a cake for those I love – rather ironic really – seeing as I’m a shit cook ……

Anyway, the end result was the news that yes the tooth must come out – in hospital – which, incidentally is what I wanted.  I’ve done my research and know this possibly isn’t the best answer – but for me I think it is – and also for my dentist – he needs his fingers to continue his career 😜

I now have to wait till they can fit me in for the procedure, so it was a case of keeping my pain under control.  And oh my god – what pain!!!!  I would happily give birth to all 4 of my children – all together – sideways – than feel that level of pain again.

At the moment I’m in a happy place – slurping mushroom soup and scrambled egg up a straw – dribbling and chuckling in the corner, high as a kite on drugs 😄

If you want money or possibly a cake – now is the time to ask 😳😳

Hippo Workend folks, have a food one 😜

auto correct strikes again 😳

I will be filling you all in about my Gandalf situation later – I know you’re all dying to know what sort of painful agonising week I’ve had 😳

In the meantime as a consequence of my Gandalf situation I had to ring in sick to work – I couldn’t actually speak due to being in so much pain so I text my Assistant Manager – it went as follows:

“I’m really sorry I won’t be in tonight, I’ve fractured my wisdom tooth and trying to get pain under control.  Dr has now prescribed Tramadol and I’m on the highest dose of Cocaine …………… Oh for fucks sake – Codeine – not Cocaine – bloody autocorrect 😜

I hope I still have a job when I’m well enough to return ……….

 

Wisdom – my arse!

Dear Wisdom Tooth,

Why are you referred to as a “Wise Tooth?”

Now with a title called “Wisdom” I have viewed you as being the Gandalf of my teeth, leading them carefully through the vigours of life, advising the fat little molars beside you when it’s safe to chew or when to chuck that lump of toffee over to the other side to deal with!

I would have viewed you as the fatherly tooth to those incisors, who like to pretend they’re stronger and more sharper than anyone else in there – well I guess they are sharper, sharp enough to look romantic in a sexy vampire movie – and old fat molar going for the neck probably wouldn’t look as good!  However, I still rely on you as “the wisdom tooth” to keep them in line!

So if you are the Gandalf – the wise old tooth – why the fuck did you go in for the kill on Friday night with – lets face it – a small piece of “deep fried chilli beef” it was no where in the range of a tough old steak or one of “Nanny Beech’s hard butterscotch sweets – it was a soft bit of chilli beef from the Chinese Take-away – that I was so looking forward to after my crappy week 😳

You clearly didn’t assess the situation and just went in for the chew and – crunch – you are now fractured and broken 😳 and as a consequence you have cost me a weekend of acute pain, a visit to an emergency dentist, a course of antibiotics,  I am doped up with pain killers and awaiting your removal.

Don’t think for one moment the tooth fairy will come for you!

Not very fucking wise now are you! 😜

 

Disappointed fairy – with a broken wing 😋

In bed and trying to grab a couple of hours sleep before a nightshift this evening, I felt a sharp prod between the shoulders “Don’t wake me up!”😡 I growled at 3rd born – I knew who it was before I opened my eyes – she’s the only one brave (or daft) enough to attempt to wake me😕

“This is really important” she said, prodding again to be sure she had my attention.

I opened one dangerous eye and looked at her “This better be good” I muttered, looking for a cup of tea she surely would have brought upstairs as a peace offering for waking me 😜 nope, no bloody tea either 😳

“I found something in your dressing gown pocket” she said accusingly😳

I wracked my befuddled head, wtf is in my dressing gown pocket?  Oh shit, I remembered the trio Bounty bar I’d eaten for breakfast, wrapper as evidence that I had eaten chocolate without sharing – I started thinking excuses along the lines of sugar levels dropped drastically this morning, thought I was going to faint, only thing to hand was trio bounty bar ……….. but – nope – it looked more serious than that 😐

She held out her hand – and there, shining brightly, was the offending tooth from last night that I had lost – phew is that all – surely it should be sighs of relief all round, but then I remembered my tooth fairy mantra …

Instead of just saying “brush your bloody teeth properly otherwise they will fall out and you will look like a reject from the Jeremy Kyle Show”😳 I have to spout out a tale of rejection and disappointment from the tooth fairy which goes along the lines of “if you don’t brush your teeth properly, the tooth fairy won’t take your tooth, she will leave it behind, you won’t get any pennies, she can’t build a castle with a tooth which isn’t shiny and bright bla bla bla bla ………..

So now as a consequence my dear sweet little child believes her tooth was rejected.  So what do I say to that?  What I should have said was “I’m sorry, it was my fault, I misplaced it last night, we’ll put in under your pillow tonight”

What I actually said was “Well, the poor little fairy tried to get into your room last night, but seeing as it was such a mess with books and clothes all over the floor, she tripped over, snapped off a wing and had to fly lopsided across the landing, crashed into the bookcase, got chased by the cat and dropped your tooth!  Lucky for you that I found it and put it safely in my dressing gown pocket 😃 however the fairy will probably now tell Santa to get Health and Safety involved before he visits, so you better go and clear up your room 😃 – I then rolled over and went back to sleep 😴😴😴

I think I blagged it ok 😀

 

 

Missing tooth, missing fairies and wedding concern

Shit, shit, shit – 3rd born has waited patiently for days for her one remaining tooth to fall out – the patience ran out this morning and she yanked it out instead – its only because she wants money from the tooth fairy, which personally I doubt she believes in anymore 🙂  honestly, given the opportunity this child of mine would sell a kidney for money!  I`ve gone and lost the bloody thing!!!  The commotion that will create this evening has me reaching for pliers to pull one of my own out to compensate!

Talking of fairies, that lazy little bitch of an ironing fairy, hasn’t shown her lazy little fairy arse for days – I’m going to pull her wings out when I catch her – that will stop her nonsense!

Lastly, 4rd born is fretting about something completely different.  She is concerned that she doesn’t know how to “smoochy dance” with her beau on their wedding day 🙂 she assures me she`s confident about the rock music dancing but smooching???  This is a genuine concern.  She`s 7 years old 🙂

Anyway happy Wednesday folks – I hope you are all putting up your Christmas Trees – just so I can tell Jeffrey we`re the odd ones out 🙂