Another year goes by 😄

I had such a lovely birthday yesterday 😄 I began the day by completely exploiting 3rd and 4th born and demanding cups of tea in bed – I stopped after 4 cups as we ran out of milk – I have a sneaky suspicion they tipped the milk down the sink to stop my nonsense 😳

I decided to take them swimming – they thought what a wonderful Mommy I was – taking them swimming, on my birthday – but I had a good book I wanted to finish 😄 So I sat by the side of the pool, drinking, yet more tea and reading happily.  I randomly waved and chuckled at their antics – well actually, I didn’t have my glasses with me, so I had no idea which child I randomly waved to – but I’m sure I struck lucky a few times 😜

1st and 2nd born picked us up from McDonald’s afterwards.  The girls have gone past the Happy Meal stage and now have adult portions – but I still have my Happy Meal 😜 – brilliant Nerf toys inside the Happy Meals at the moment 😜

We went home where the boys had bought me beautiful yellow roses and chocolates as well as a birthday cake 😍 which was lovely because my sister also bought me a birthday cake the day before and I had eaten it already 😃

Jeff bought me a new little fish which I am busy bonding with 😍 I’ve named him Podrick and I’m over the moon with him!

I missed my Mom loads yesterday ❤️ She always made every birthday feel so special xx

Have a lovely day folks xx

 

 

 

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H.R.H. 👑👑

As I search for my glasses because I can no longer see a bloody thing without them, I think of my dear old Mom and her ever declining eyesight.

Shopping  with her a few years ago, it must have been Prince William’s birthday or some special occasion because she had postage stamps in her purse with his picture on.  She opened her purse to pay for her shopping and proceeded to show the Shop Assistant a picture of “her Grandson” 😄😄

One year on ……

21st March 2015 – one year on ……..

It’s been a long hard year without you.  There has been so many times I’ve heard or seen something and thought “Oh I must tell Mom about that” and then it hits me that I will never be able to do that again.

I still have your name on my phone, so everytime Paul rings me, it comes up “Mom” calling – and for that split second – I forget.

I had a dream whilst sleeping during the day, after a nightshift.  There was no one in the house, but I heard a noise downstairs.  In my sleepy state I remember thinking “It’s alright, it’s only Mom” I then laid there and thought I better go downstairs and put the tv on for you – you would be bored sat down there on your own whilst I slept. I then thought I should get up, maybe take you into town to look round the shops but I was so tired and fell back to sleep.  When I finally did wake up – and remembered – it made me so sad – so sad for every missed opportunity I had to spend time with you – I knew it was a dream – but I wished I had gone downstairs anyway – just in case.

On the brighter side, I don’t cry so much anymore – I know you would want us all to remember you with a smile on our face and laughter bubbling away inside.  But every now and again, when I’m walking Peppa I look up to the sky and wonder where you’ve gone.

I can still hear your voice and your laughter.  I can still feel your poor little hands in mine and how I was the only one you let cut your finger nails.  Your hands were so twisted I would be laid on the floor nearly upside down to try and cut them – without cutting you.

I still haven’t been able to listen to our beloved Riverdance, but I think I will soon.  That music was ours, our shared love – and I know you will be kicking your legs alongside me when I finally play it again x

I hope you can see us all and share with all our happy moments and support us through the tough times we’ve had.  We’re all doing ok 😊

I love and miss you everyday – until I see you again – rest peacefully up your beautiful hills ❤️

 

 

 

Memories ❤️

My Facebook status for this day – last year ………..

Took the girls up to visit Mom at the hospital this morning – they understand she’ll be on her journey soon and wanted to see her – Lana looked at me and said “Will there be tears today?” I replied “Hopefully not” ❤️

Afterwards I took them for some lunch before returning to school.  Lana said “Wait – before we eat, we must say Homen”

Me and Arowyn looked puzzled – till she put her little hands together, closed her eyes and said

“Dear Jesus, thank you for our food – Homen” 😊

Happy Mother’s Day ❤️

 

Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mom’s out there!

Happy Mother’s Day to all who never had the chance to show what wonderful mother’s they could be.

Happy Mother’s Day to all – because I believe everyone has mothered someone or something at some time in their life.

Happy Mother’s Day to my own beautiful Mom, who I miss every day since she passed away last year x

❤️

I sat with her one afternoon whilst she was in hospital “Oh Mom, you have to get better, it’s my big birthday in August, you need to be there” she looked me in the eye and said “I’m not going to get better this time”  My heart was breaking as I then told her it was ok to go now, we were all fine, she need not worry anymore – she kept telling me she wanted to see everyone before she got on her train 😔 thing was she kept forgetting who she had seen and she hung on indefinitely ❤️

Last year on Mothering Sunday we were all at the hospital.  Me and my sister, our husbands, our step-dad and all 7 grandchildren.  We all took turns to sit next to Mom, holding her hand and wrapping her in the white fluffy blanket we had got her for Mother’s Day – she had the fluffy white rabbit that the girls had chosen, tucked in her bed.

We knew we were losing her this time 😔

Sure enough the following day she rapidly went downhill.  By the Wednesday she was no longer aware of anything, on morphine, so at least no pain anymore.

It was as if she had waited for Mother’s Day – to see us all together one more time.

Her train pulled into the station and this time wouldn’t leave without her.  She climbed on board on the Saturday morning.

I hope she can hear me when I say I love you Mom and I miss you more than you will ever know.

Happy Mother’s Day xxxxx

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Next ……….

I went to my lovely Auntie`s funeral last week.  It was a beautiful service for a beautiful lady 🙂

The service was held at the same Crematorium as we had my Mom`s last year, but in the smaller of the two chapels.  What really struck me was, at the end of the service, when they were playing her chosen music, the Minister went over to my Auntie`s Son and whispered gently “take your time, just sit and listen to the music, give me a sign when you feel able to leave and I`ll lead you out”.  It was lovely, respectful and thoughtful.

When my Mom was cremated last year, we were in the larger of the Chapels, I appreciate this Chapel was the busier of the two, because I remember at the end of the service as her music started, the Minister opened up the doors and motioned for us to lead the congregation out almost immediately.  My step-father and sister started to walk out.  I was obviously very emotional and distraught but even in this state, I felt a great sense of injustice.  This was “her music” our final moments with her – and I felt cheated and rushed.

I stood my ground 🙂 and I believe, subconsciously, refused to move.  The congregation stood behind me, not really knowing whether to walk out or stay, I physically couldn`t move until I had heard at least a little of her beloved Riverdance.  She would have howled with laughter at my behaviour, but joking aside, even now, I do feel cheated of her “last moment”.

I appreciate there was another grieving family behind us, also waiting to say their goodbyes to their loved one, however, this was me – saying goodbye to mine xx

Off you trot 2015 …..

I always tend to get rather nostalgic at the end of the year.  I begin to reminisce about all the happy occasions and then the sad – mentally making resolutions to better myself in the coming year, being more kind, tolerant and understanding of myself and others ……..😇

What a load of old bollocks – all I’m interested in at New Year is how much lambrini I can consume without falling over and showing my knickers and how many Pringles and pork pies I can eat before I vow New Year, New Diet 😜

Actually I’m happy to see the back of this year.  I do usually try to do a review of the year but to be honest, losing my lovely, kind and gentle Mom overshadows anything else.  I hope she’s happy up there and no longer suffering with her poor little hands and legs.  I wonder if she’s found my Dad in the local pub – I’m assuming they have a “local” up there and whether she chucked another Christmas dinner at him coz he’d been at the bloody pub instead of coming home for dinner 😄 I miss her so much still – but we’re all doing fine – of course we are – we belonged to her xx

As a consequence I suffered quite a lot this year with my Colitis, obviously triggered by the stress of losing Mom – by June I was on a mega dose of steroids – which in turn helped me grow a rather impressive beard – I  had to turn down the chance of appearing on The Worlds Strongest Man programme – due to a commitment to appearing as a guest on the Teletubbies 😜

Anyway I wish you all a Happy New Year – thank you for reading and sharing – 2016 – brings it on 🎊🎉🎇🎆

Understanding ❤❤

“Have you got everything?” she would ask.  “Give me three rings on the phone when you get home” she would say, hovering around the car.  “Yes Mom” I will I would say slightly exasperated “I only live an hour up the road 😁

I always intended to ring, but sometimes not straight away.  The phone would ring, her little worried voice “just checking your home” x

I understand now Mom, I truly understand xx

Safe flight, keep safe my dear Sons and – please – three rings when you get there ❤

 

When a child is born …….

Most woman have a sign that they are going into labour.  Their waters break, contractions start – not me – I just wail and weep before anything has even started 🙂

With 1st born, I cried for about 5 hours after hearing Perry Como sing “For the Good Times” My Dad used to sing this in the pub all the bloody time after him and Mom had divorced.  I didn`t cry for that reason though, I cried cos he was the typical “pub singer” and as a teenager and it was always excruiciatingly embarrassing hearing him sing 🙂

2nd born, I cried and cried because I just knew I wasn’t going to love him as much as 1st born – I did, of course 🙂

3rd born, I had at home, and cried because I couldn’t finish hovering the stairs whilst in labour – bloody hell I`ve changed – now I cry if I have to do it!

And then onto 4th born – I cried and cried because I hadn’t finished my Christmas shopping and I just knew there would be no bloody turkeys left by the time I could gather myself together to venue out – again, I`ve changed as I wouldn`t give a hoot now if there was no turkeys left – means less cooking for me to do on Christmas Eve 🙂

And so it came to pass that on this day, 8 years ago, a child was born.  There probably were a few shepherds pottering around but no Kings appeared on the doorstep – there was, however, an Angel in attendance x

The beauty of her birth was the fact, like 3rd born, she was born at home and I was able to bring her straight downstairs and hand to my Mom xx

Happy Birthday to my beautiful banana xxxxxx

Riverdance – the final

Riverdance Selfie 🙂

 

I knew this photo would pop up on my “Facebook Memories” any time soon – I was dreading it – I knew it would make me cry and I don’t want to cry now.

This photo was me and my lovely Mom at Riverdance last November.  For as long as I could remember, Riverdance was our shared love, something that had been on our bucket list for such a long time.

She was so bloody excited to be going – as was I 🙂  As soon as the music started, I began to well up with happiness, as soon as her little legs began to jig around in her wheelchair, the tears began 🙂

She rocked her wheelchair till she nearly dislodged the brakes and zoomed down the Theatre aisle to join them on the stage.  Her painful arthritic hands clapped together, she sang, she cheered and generally behaved like a 12 year old at a One Direction concert 🙂

We left the Theatre with the music ringing in our ears.

This was to be my last special outing with her.  Five weeks later she was admitted to hospital.  We played Riverdance at the hospital.  I hoped she would remember the joy of that evening.

She never came home again and left us on 21 March 2015.

The next time I heard Riverdance was at her funeral.  I held everyone up from leaving the Service, I wanted to ensure she heard it all one final time, wherever she was.

I haven’t listened to it since that day last March, but I will, one day, and remember that beautiful memory of our last performance 🙂

Love and miss you xx