Category Archives: humor

Mary, Mary – quite contrary ……….

Men often complain that they can never understand us women. Β I’m beginning to think they have a point! πŸ˜ƒ

How I behave each and every day is governed by whether I’m in a good mood and loving the world or whether I’m in a shit mood and cross with everything! Β However, like the weather, my mood and attitude can change by the hour! πŸ˜„

Take the other weekend as I’m leaving the house to go to work

“You don’t have to do anything today Jeff, leave the washing up and tidying up, just have a nice day with the girls” I beamed πŸ˜„

Me, as I return from work

“Did you actually do anything in the way of housework today Jeffrey?” 😑

I horrify myself sometimes – infact I would probably divorce myself under these circumstances 😳

Still never mind – it keeps him on his toes! πŸ˜„


Swept away in the moment πŸ˜œ

That’s why you’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties!😳

Someone left the outside door open at work last night and the laundry room was full of Daddy Long Legs! 😳

As I was sweeping the floor I realised they were all in pairs – shagging! Β I had accidently gate-crashed a Daddy Long Legs “Over 30’s Orgy” 😳 For the record – I’m fairly sure it was an “Over 30’s Orgy” as they were showing extreme experience and expertise in their positioning! πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰

You have to hand it to them though – they never batted an eye-lid and carried on regardless – as I swept them into the dustpan! πŸ˜ƒ

Somebody else’s child πŸ˜œ

You know how Mothers are supposed to recognise the cry or call of their offspring Β – even if they are blindfolded? Β Well,for some reason this skill never functioned for me πŸ˜„

Unless my child was screetching in my face or pulling at my boobs I never recognised their cries. Β Quite happily I would sit in the dreaded “Mom and Tot” groups thinking “Wish someone would pick that screaming child up” only to realised it was my screaming child! 😜

Well it would appear this skill is still redundant in me! πŸ˜„

It was teatime and I was stood with my back to the kitchen door cooking tea – yes I know, I know – unbelievable I know but I do visit the kitchen to cook every now and again 😜

I heard a little voice behind me which said “I’m just going …….”

Without missing a beat or turning around I interrupted with “You’re NOT going anywhere! Β Dinner is nearly ready, you have homework to do, now go back upstairs and finish it!” 😳

A little voice nervously said “But I have to go home now Lisa, my Mom is expecting me!” 😳

It wasn’t my child – it was somebody else’s child. Β Somebody else’s very frightened child – who clearly thought I was holding her hostage! πŸ˜„


Back to School πŸ˜₯

Nope I’m not happy. Β I love the holiday’s and always feel a sense of loss when they return ………….

No, not for them – a sense of loss for ME! Β No more coming home from a nightshift and straight into bed – no more lazy mornings, not worrying about pack lunches, school uniforms, homework and school runs πŸ˜₯

Third born started Secondary School this morning. Β This can’t be right, she’s too small and still just a baby 😳 Β She was so lovely this morning, hugging and kissing me, but I know by next week she will begin the “secondary school attitude” of being sassy, wanting to wear makeup to school and generally giving it large 😳

I hope she’s having a good day. Β I’m missing her – it was her turn to do the ironing …………. 😜


Seaside and donkeys πŸ˜œ

Not quite a Donkey – but close! πŸ˜„

The Gardiner Family have returned from their trip to the seaside πŸ˜„

Isn’t it amazing how two days away is all it takes to restore you to a peaceful, relaxed state! Β The weather was beautiful and to just lie on a sandy beach, listening to the waves and the seagulls calling was bliss 😍

I’m making that all up πŸ˜„ “relaxed and peaceful” doesn’t go arm in arm with a long car journey to the coast with the girls in the back of the car! πŸ˜ƒ Β The weather was lovely though and we all got a little tan – me on my ears and half my neck – Jeff on one calf and third born a small patch on her chest – fourth born was spared!

Of course it wouldn’t be a “Gardiner Holiday” without some hiccups 😜 Β Fourth born getting her hair caught in the “high performance” hand drier and having to be physically extracted was an experience as was the Β£70 parking ticket Jeff collected for not conforming to the parking regulations πŸ˜„

As always my children keep me entertained with their constant questioning about various things and their complete “We haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about Mom” 😜

On the last day I said I wanted to visit a Donkey Sanctuary.

“What do you want to do that for” asked third born in horror “All the donkeys will be dead!” πŸ˜•

“Of course they won’t” I replied “they may be old but a Sanctuary is where they are looked after and cared for!”

“Oh – I thought you said Cemetery – not Sanctuary!” πŸ˜•

We didn’t go after all – the moment was lost …….. πŸ˜„πŸ˜„



Happy Hollibobs πŸ˜ƒ

I’m now on my Hollibobs – a whole week off from work πŸ˜ƒ A whole week off to do all those shitty jobs you don’t have time to do normally!

I went shopping for Arowyn’s birthday this morning and the store assistant asked if I was interested in buying some oven cleaner they were promoting 😳 How the fuck did she know?????? Β Of course I laughed and laughed and snorted my “no thanks!” πŸ˜ƒ

We are hoping to go to the seaside for a few days next week. Β After the last two years of me being in charge of booking us “cheap” mini breaks – Jeff has forbidden me to book anything again 😜

Last year I booked us into Pontins Holiday Camp. Β I hadn’t been to a holiday camp since I was a child and I’m pretty sure we stayed in exactly the same chalet, the same, undated, undecorated, grubby chalet. Β We had to sleep with one leg on the floor to stop the faux leather pull out bed from wobbling. Β The club-house was like a scene from the Jeremy Kyle show – infact we nearly had to appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show on our return as Jeff threatened to leave me for putting him through such trauma 😜 I personally thought it was great fun and the icing on the cake was the pool being closed – due to a child having a poo in it! Β Now I know this is what happens I intend to poo in every pool I go to so I don’t have to take the girls swimming! πŸ˜ƒ

The year before that was a cheap hotel in Bournemouth. Β Anyone remember Faulty Towers? Β An overflowing shower, a broken toilet seat and us in the middle of a group of rowdy young men enjoying a Stag Do – actually I rather enjoyed that bit! 😜

Anyway Jeff is in charge of sorting out our holiday – he hasn’t actually booked anywhere yet – so we’re probably going to be sleeping in the car! 😳

Anyway happy Hollibobs to me – can’t wait! πŸ˜€πŸ˜€

How to clear the men from the house πŸ˜„

This Friday will be my beautiful Arowyn’s 11th birthday ❀️


Not only is this her birthday but it is also the night of her “House full of 11 year old girls sleepover” Remember this was what I agreed to whilst half asleep a few weeks ago! πŸ˜•

We have sleeping bags, face packs, make up, nail varnish, Dominos pizza, popcorn, movies and a chocolate fountain πŸ˜ƒ

We also have a mass exodus of the men in the household! πŸ˜„ Poor Jeff has begged to be allowed out with the boys. Β I think Jeff was hoping to be let off the hook and have a quiet game of pool and a pint but the boys have promised him a night on the Town at the local nightclub πŸ˜„

I intend to enjoy the solitude of my bedroom and my book – but I will supervise the chocolate fountain and make sure it’s working adequately 😜😜

Have a lovely weekend folks!

Come back Jack ……. πŸ˜•

Fourth born was happily dunking her digestive biscuits in her mug of tea – she’s obviously my daughter! 😜

I heard her cry out in dismay and then heard her crying into her tea. Β I ran up the stairs “What’s the matter sweetheart!” I ask her cuddling her little shaking form ❀️

“My biscuit!” she cried!

I looked to see a soggy digestive floating dismally to the bottom of her tea.

“Don’t be daft Lana” I said trying not to laugh “It’s a biscuit, go and get another one”

She looked at me, gave a little sniff and replied sadly “It reminds me of Jack from Titanic ………………….. ”

I really did laugh then! πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

Over-protective? 😜

Third born recently had a new love interest πŸ˜„ A really nice lad, who called for her after school, held her hand and dutifully walked her back to the garden on her return.

I’m only guessing – but I think he was trying to impress her on his skateboard and went arse over tit, scraping his sweet little face along the gravel path and bending his glasses. Β She helped him up and walked him back to his house for his Mom to deal with.

She came home and told me all about it, she even took photos to show his injuries which I questioned- but apparently he needed proof of his injuries to show his friends πŸ˜„

“His Mom was very nice” she informed me “but she was a little over-protective”

“Why do you say that?” I asked her

“Well she felt all his limbs, asked him if he needed to go to A and E and generally seemed really over protective”

I smiled at her sweetly “That’s what Mom’s do when their children are hurt” 😍

She looked at me in amusement “You don’t ” she said “You just shove a plaster on, give us a spoonful of Calpol and send us back out to play” 😳😳

Oh …………… 😳