Category Archives: Household rules

Somebody else’s child 😜

You know how Mothers are supposed to recognise the cry or call of their offspring  – even if they are blindfolded?  Well,for some reason this skill never functioned for me 😄

Unless my child was screetching in my face or pulling at my boobs I never recognised their cries.  Quite happily I would sit in the dreaded “Mom and Tot” groups thinking “Wish someone would pick that screaming child up” only to realised it was my screaming child! 😜

Well it would appear this skill is still redundant in me! 😄

It was teatime and I was stood with my back to the kitchen door cooking tea – yes I know, I know – unbelievable I know but I do visit the kitchen to cook every now and again 😜

I heard a little voice behind me which said “I’m just going …….”

Without missing a beat or turning around I interrupted with “You’re NOT going anywhere!  Dinner is nearly ready, you have homework to do, now go back upstairs and finish it!” 😳

A little voice nervously said “But I have to go home now Lisa, my Mom is expecting me!” 😳

It wasn’t my child – it was somebody else’s child.  Somebody else’s very frightened child – who clearly thought I was holding her hostage! 😄



No charge …..

Arowyn was busy trying to earn some extra pocket money by doing jobs for me.  I was well happy with this, teaching her that if she wants something in life, she must work for it.

However, it all started to get abit ridiculous when she began charging me for absolutely everything she was doing 😳

“Right then” she says “That’s 10p for fetching your slippers, 50p for tidying my bedroom …….”

It was when she asked me how much I was going to pay her for, wait for it, “Eating her tea” that I decided enough was enough.  I sat her on my lap and put on a track on the computer

Tammy Wynette – No Charge.

I cuddled her closely as we listened to the track together, listening to the little girl charging her Mom for everything and then the Mom replying:

For carrying you for 9 months – No charge

For loving and caring for you – No charge

For feeding and clothing you – No charge

And when you add it all up – the true cost of my love is No charge  ❤️

Arowyn sat there quietly as I wiped a tear from my eye and swallowed the lump in my throat.

“How much do I owe you now?” I asked her, smiling at her little face.

She stroked my cheek and replied

“Right then, for fetching your slippers 10p, for tidying my bedroom 50p …………………”

I try – I really do try 😄😄😄😄


Finders, keepers 😉

My two eldest sons still have to share a bedroom.  This is no mean feat seeing as they are adults – not little boys with toys.

I very rarely venture into their hovel – it’s usually dark with no floor space and to be honest I’m afraid I may find a “person” hidden under a pile of clothes 😳

I confess I still peek around their door after they’ve had a night out – I still like to check they’ve both found their way home again.  I’ve found bodies that don’t belong to me curled up in a bed on various occasions 😄

But every now and again I decide to give their room a good spring clean.  Folk are amazed and say to me “they are adults, why are you cleaning their bedroom?”

Well I’ll tell you why: 3 nice lighters, a packet of biscuits, a new blue biro, a DVD I haven’t watched for ages, a packet of chewing gum and £4.75 – that’s why I clean their room 😄

Cussing 😳

Do you get offended by bad language?  Does it have an impact on what you’re reading? Does it give you an bad impression of someone?  Do you think it makes someone appear less intelligent and unable to express themselves without the need to swear?

Personally it doesn’t trouble me and doesn’t give me any negative impressions – I tend to act like a naughty child when I hear and say the F word 😃

I had a conversation with my in-laws the other night.  They do read my blog and fortunately are broad-minded enough not to be offended by my language.  As it happens I don’t swear generally, certainly not infront of the girls.  Jeff and their older brothers, who all work in a predominantly male environment, all quite regularly swear – but I don’t 😇

I guess this is my outlet and sometimes only the F word will do!

I hate bad language on children and I have never heard my girls utter any profanities – we’ll certainly not infront of us.  I sometimes imagine them going into school, seeing their teacher and saying “how the fuck you doing Miss?” “We’re not doing those bastard fractions again are we?” 😳

Fairy Liquid Family 😃

Our dishwasher packed up earlier this week – we have to wait another week for the engineer to come and fix it!

As you can imagine the bloody horror of all the washing up from a family of 6 plus, that now has to be done by hand 😳

But we’ve all knuckled down to the soap suds and done our fair share of washing up by hand – well apart from me yesterday – more fucking guilt to deal with!!!!

Its been rather fun, back to basics – the smell of good old Fairy Liquid taking us back to our childhoods – before a dishwasher was even heard of ………..  The kids all washing up together and working as a team – Jeff and I side by side, giggling as he tenderly wipes washing up bubbles from off my nose ….. ❤️ We’ve actually been like the Ingles family off Little House on the Prairie 😊

What a load of bollocks!!

Everyone has argued like mad about who’s turn it is to wash up – I’ve had to beg, bribe and threaten them all.  I’ve held Jeff’s head under the water till his legs start to shake and then I’ve tenderly wiped the bubbles off his head when he agrees that yes, it is infact his turn to wash up 😜

We have another week of this – no wonder I’ve had a migraine! 😳😳

A Turkey tale🐔🐔🐔🐔

It could have all gone so horribly wrong – what with chief turkey roaster (1st born) buggering off to China – without any bloody thought about who was going to cook my turkey 😳

Previous years have gone something like this – must cook turkey – before opening lambrini – must cook turkey – before opening lambrini – must look perky – before opening something – must book something – before opening something – must finish bottle – before – nope too late ………… Zzzzzzzzz berry shishbush to you all 😳

However – I bloody surpassed myself 😄 Turkey was crammed with a large onion up his bum – or neck – depending upon which end of the turkey you were facing.  He was then treated to a naked massage – him naked, not me – and had butter rubbed all over his wrinkled body and then powdered with seasonings and a few streaky rashers laying seductively across his naked form – ummmmm I think I’ve been reading too much Jackie Collins ……… 😜

Anyway, into the oven he went on Christmas Eve – I decided to cook him the day before, in case there were any disasters – I could then use my contingency plan of “turning up on other family members doorsteps, just in time for Christmas dinner” 😜 but all was going to plan – well I did forget to remove the giblets – but everyone forgets those – standard.  My oven had a funny half hour – or 4, and decided to smoke the house out – Jeffrey did suggest it may need a clean …………. I helped him up off the kitchen floor ……….

But even after all that – the end result was bloody marvellous 😃 I was rather taken back the next morning when it was suggested we have roast potatoes, parsnips, carrots, stuffing, piggies in the blanket bla bla bla ……. with my precious Turkey 😳 I assumed the turkey alone would suffice 😜

So we ended up having a lovely Christmas day with a lovely Christmas dinner – Jeffrey is one lucky man to have such a fine wife as I 😍

Jeff is on holiday for the next two weeks 😃 He is intending to do loads of jobs around the house during these holidays 😃  He’s bloody marvellous at DIY – it just takes him sooooooo long to finish what he’s started – I waited almost a year for my floor tiles to be laid in the lounge and down the hallway.  I cried, threatened to move out till he finished – but then had to backtrack as I thought my family may not remember who I was when I eventually came back!  I told him nothing would be getting laid till my floor was!   I resorted to standing naked at the end of the hallway enticing him tile by tile 😄 But the end result was first class 😃 so I’m looking forward to maybe a new coat of paint in the bathroom – all ready for next Christmas 😃😃

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and if anyone needs any Turkey tips for future reference – I’m the one to speak to 😃

A phone call from School ……

Butter wouldn’t melt….. wanna bet!

Last year`s Note to Self:  Don’t, under any circumstances, buy any more fucking wrapping paper, you have enough to last 5 years!

This year`s Note to Self: Don’t take any fucking notice of any future Notes to Self!

Today, wrapping parcels – I run out of fucking wrapping paper!  Which meant I had to drag my carcass around a busy town centre, fighting my way through happy folk, full of Christmas cheer, actually most of them were as miserable as sin – they probably made their own Note to Self, which also turned out to be a load of bollocks too 🙂

Apologies for language folks, I swear in my writing to avoid me swearing at off-spring, which believe me takes a great display of self-control especially right now 🙂

However, I think after yesterday`s phone call, I won`t have to bother wrapping anything for 4th born cos Santa will run a mile when he hears about her latest …………..

Up until yesterday I was full of the Christmas spirit – well full of mince pies and cashew nuts – but they count as Christmas spirit in my eyes 🙂 I was happily nibbling away, wrapping up Christmas parcels, listening to the Christmas Album and singing along to Band Aid, wiping a little tear when I thought of all those poor little children and thinking about how fortunate my little children were in comparison, my heart filling with love for them – and then the School rang………….

Initially I wasn’t concerned.  I pride myself on the fact that everyone of my off-spring are well-behaved, they may act like trolls at home but at school they always got brilliant school reports, always polite and helpful bla bla bla.  So I figured they were ringing to tell me 3rd or 4th born were Star of the Week 🙂  But, how fucking wrong can you be!!

4th born`s teacher very apologetically told me that 4th born`s behaviour had left a lot to be desired lately, she seems to have found her confidence (cockiness) and asserting herself rather forcefully (being gobby) etc etc.  To say I was upset was an understatement!  I apologised profusely and said I would be speaking to her when she got home, I was just thanking her for her call when she interrupted me “Actually Mrs Gardiner, there was something else” Ooooooh maybe she still made top of the House Point list but not bloody likely – “Well, we were having a discussion time about behaviour and Lana told myself and the class that when she was naughty, you locked her in a cupboard” WHAT!!!!!!!

Who the fuck does she think she is – Harry-fucking-Potter!!!

I actually laughed at the absurdity of the statement, but then gathered myself together and said I understood they had to take these things seriously but in all honesty I didn’t have a cupboard big enough to put her in which isn’t filled with crap!  However, I may find one now!

As a consequence 4th born wasn’t allowed to enrol in Cubs last night – she cried and cried and wrote me a letter which said how sorry she was but could she please go to “CUBES” – I sent her back to her room and suggested she practice her spellings instead 🙂 🙂