Category Archives: embarrassing moments

From hero to zero …..

“Mom, quick!” shouted my eldest son yesterday afternoon “A fish has jumped out of the tank!”

Sure enough one of the small fish tanks was empty.  Chris pulled back the filing cabinet and there was this poor little fish behind it.  I picked him up – he was covered in fluff and dust and a tesco receipt was stuck on the end of his tail – I removed fluff and lovingly put him back in tank – he appears to have survived 😃

My moment of glory was very short-lived as the day wore on ……..

I am forever being told off for leaving the house without my phone, I tend to pop off to the shop, school and wherever empty handed – I come home to find someone in the household nagging that they’ve been trying to contact me – and there is a long list of missed calls on my phone.

Well yesterday everyone was proved right!  Off I drove to the local shop in my pyjamas, slippers and dressing gown cos I kinda rock like that and I didn’t intend getting out of the car 😄 I took the girls with me to buy the popcorn for the evening 😃

Arowyn went into the shop whilst me and Lana sat happily in the car.  I passed the time counting the Penguins on my pyjamas and thinking I could do with some new slippers 😜 Arowyn got back in the car, I turned the ignition and – nothing.  I tried again – bloody car was dead 😨 I felt in my dressing gown pocket – no phone – just a chocolate coin, probably left over from Christmas morning!

I sat and pondered what to do – we could eat the popcorn and wait for Jeff to miss us but it could be a long wait!  In the end I made Arowyn run home in the rain and get Jeff.  I just thank my lucky stars I had Arowyn with me – had it just been me and Lana I would have had to walk back home in my pyjamas and slippers – with Lana on my back – cos she had no shoes on – she rocks like that too 😜

 

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auto correct strikes again 😳

I will be filling you all in about my Gandalf situation later – I know you’re all dying to know what sort of painful agonising week I’ve had 😳

In the meantime as a consequence of my Gandalf situation I had to ring in sick to work – I couldn’t actually speak due to being in so much pain so I text my Assistant Manager – it went as follows:

“I’m really sorry I won’t be in tonight, I’ve fractured my wisdom tooth and trying to get pain under control.  Dr has now prescribed Tramadol and I’m on the highest dose of Cocaine …………… Oh for fucks sake – Codeine – not Cocaine – bloody autocorrect 😜

I hope I still have a job when I’m well enough to return ……….

 

auto correct 😄

Good old Facebook – showing you your memories of this day on various years.

Today it was a rather poignant one for me:

“Sat next to my Mom as she dozes, she seems so tiny in this hospital bed.

Time seems meaningless – I just sit here watching this beautiful lady with every memory going through my mind – a little girl with a yellow duster flits in my memories – walking up Watlington Hills with the dog – climbing trees – getting into her warm bed and snuggling next to the most loved Mommy

Everything I am – I owe to her”

I then had a flick through all the messages of love and support I had received at that time.

What made me roar with laughter was a message from a dear friend who wrote “a huge hygiene coming your way” 😄

She obviously meant “hug” but wonderful autocorrect decided otherwise!

Seeing as I was up the hospital round the clock I probably needed a huge hygiene more than a hug! 😜😜

 

I am a bird – I am a plane ……..

Had a letter today reminding me I am due an eye check at the opticians.  It reminded me of a few years back when I was clearly in the same situation of needing my eyes checked.

I was walking over the school field to pick up 3rd and 4th born.  I could see 1st born in the distance – clearly waiting for me – I waved as he looked over and then I started running towards him with my arms open – embarrassing him is a very amusing past-time of mine 🙂  He didn’t respond so I decided to up the game and I pretended to be an aeroplane.  I began to zoom and swoop my way across the field – a true Boeing 747 in action.

I got closer and realised it wasn’t my Son – just a very frightened and worried looking school boy – yep I was definitely due an opticians appointment 🙂

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Embarrassed? Me? Never 😄

I read an article that said we should share our embarrassing moments, that they will no longer have the power to embarrass us once we laugh and share them 🙂 and prompted by https://theshamefulsheep.wordpress.com to do just that, here we are 🙂

We`ve all had those moments, those cringe-worthy, toe-curling moments, when we wish the ground would not only open up and us fall in, but wish the ground would then fill up so we don’t ever have to face anyone again 🙂

Well I have had many moments like this, to be honest I had many I could have shared with you – like the time last Winter when I slipped over and was pulled along the ice, on my arse, by a Jack Russell, in the middle of the playground.  I tried to make light of the situation, by saying “must lay off the lambrini this early in the morning” to the group of “trendy Mothers” who looked on, not in amusement, but in that turned up nose kinda way, they even adjusted their sunglasses, yep in December, you know the ones, and placed them on top of their highlighted locks and looked as if they actually believed I was pissed – I mean, come on, I never open the lambrini till at least 10.00 in the morning!

But this little beauty of a tale happened when I was moving house.  It was before Jeff and I even lived together, let alone had children together – I’m being very specific about when this happened as I know my in-laws sometimes read my blog, and I want them to be reassured that their Son is functioning on all cylinders and ……… Oh it will all become clear when you read what happened 🙂

Anyway, I was moving house and my Step-father had very kindly agreed to help, along with Jeff.  Now I must give you a clear picture of Step-father, he is a good soul who will help anyone – but – he is very straight-laced, not much of a sense of humour, very anal and pedantic about things being done properly, in a nutshell, not really a barrel of laughs.

We had the removal van parked outside the house, things were moving along nicely and I just had the last few bits and pieces to put in the van.  I went upstairs and realised I hadn`t emptied the drawers in the bedroom.  In my usual lazy way I just opened up bin bags and tipped all my undies, bras and everything into the bags.  Went down the stairs and casually threw the bags in the back of the van.  We stood for a moment, having a breather, when I heard a sound …….

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“Shit, what`s that noise in the van?  Bloody hell, there`s a bumble bee in the van!” I could hear it buzzing away quite happily.  We all cocked our heads in the back of the van “Blimey” said Step-father “that sounds like the Queen Bee!”

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“We`ll have to find it” I said “we can`t have a bumble bee in the van, it might sting us as we`re driving!”

I glanced over at Jeff, he was gesticulating behind Step-fathers back “No Lisa, its ok” he said “I don’t think there is a bumble bee in the van” he was nodding his head in a desperate, frantic way, trying not to laugh!

“Yes” I said, “there is, I can hear it buzzing” I hate to be wrong and along with Step-father starting chucking bin bags around trying to locate which bag the bumble bee was in ……….

“Got it” I said triumphantly “its coming from – this – bag – here!!!” the one I had emptied the contents of my bedroom drawer in …………………..

I gave the back a short sharp kick and sure enough the buzzing stopped – how lucky I managed to squash that bumble bee before step-father investigated contents of bag!

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Not before the school run Ha!

I bloody hate swimming! 😳

One of my very first posts from when I still didn’t have any boobs 😄

I bloody hate swimming!  I think I`m mentally scarred from my teenage school days!

Swimming was always in the middle of the day, after you`d spent the morning applying your blue eyeshadow, flicking your hair into the latest Farah Fawcett Majors hair style and applying your Avon “Sweet Honesty” perfume.  You came out of the pool, rushing, so you`re not late for Double Maths, trying to pull your school uniform onto your still wet back, hair hanging down your neck like a load of rats tails, stinking of chlorine and eyes all red and bloodshot – looking like an extra from the Thriller video!

Course all this would have been worth it – had I had some boobs!  I was probably one of the last people in the school to grow a chest – well actually I`m still awaiting them now.  Worse of it was – I did grow an incredible amount of hair – and this was before I had discovered a Ladyshave!!  I would struggle into my school swimming costume, which occasionally I put on back to front – no one told me – in fact no one noticed ………… yet I would look like I had a hedgehog shoved down the front, trying to escape from the top of my thighs!!  My legs resembled something that had escaped from a Wildlife Park – teenage years were very trying for me.DSC01096

I`ve done the sensible parent thing of ensuring all my children had swimming lessons – this was so I didn`t have to go in the sodding pool with them, which was why I was horrified when I took the girls a few years ago and was told Lana was still too young to go in without an adult – for fucks sake, surely a child of 4 can doggie paddle their way out of difficulties!

Course they were very disappointed, and because I love my children, most of the time, I duly went home to get my costume.

I`ve had the same swimming costume – yep that one in the photo – the old Speedo – for most of my adult life.  Buying a new swimming costume features very low on my list of priorities.  The last time I had worn this costume was in South Africa, on the beach.  When I needed a wee I duly went to the toilets, rather than wee in the sea like I’m sure most folk do, but being too lazy to take costume off, I just tugged it to the side.  I guess like most things, a costume has a shelf-life and eventually the elastic will go.

So after reluctantly getting my costume I took the girls swimming.  After hovering on the side with a face like a slapped backside – off I bobbed, doing my breast-stroke – things felt a little strange – down below………. felt like I wasn’t wearing anything ………………

And low and behold – the elastic had gone in my gusset – as I breast stroked my way across the pool, my gusset was down to my knees – the Life-guards whistle blew – he nearly fell off his platform in his hurry to leave the poolside…………

As a consequence I no longer have a costume and cannot take my children swimming – funnily enough they don’t want me to go with them anymore ……….. 🙂