Category Archives: Beauty

Plum 🍒

Third born was telling us about another school girl who has a very well developed chest.

Fourth born looked on in interest and tried to pass some support to her sister by saying

“She only has big boobs because she’s a Plum!”

We both look at her confused

“Do you mean Plump Lana?” 😀

“Yes” she replied “that’s what I said, she’s a plum”

I’m now working my way to “Plum Status” as I type 😜


It’s been “One of those weeks” 😳

I’ve had “One of those Weeks” 😟

The nice thing was Jeffrey returned from France – I’m sure after half an hour he was wishing he was back there! 😄

He walked in the door and straight into a full blown conversation that had me explaining to Fourth born that she wouldn’t just “grow a penis because she wanted to!” 😳

Third born was complaining because her school shoes fell to bits – after three weeks of wear!  Ok, I opted for the cheap ones so I guess that was my fault.  I read up everything I could find about legal rights when returning shoddy goods – because of course I hadn’t bothered to keep the receipt!  I memorised and quoted the law like a top class barrister and off I trotted to the shoe shop, like a fighter going in to battle!

The Manager took one look at the shoes and refunded in full – without me saying a word!  I was sooooo disappointed – I learnt all that information for nothing!  😳

I’ve worked almost non-stop this week to earn some extra money for Christmas and I’ve just finished my last nightshift for this week.  Seeing as I have tonight off and have a date with Jeffrey I decide to have a luxurious bath before I take myself off to bed 😊

I then decide the bath needs a clean before I soak my weary, hairy little legs in it.  I discover I’ve run out of bath cleaner so I used Harpic Limescale Remover 😳

Now, instead of smelling of Camomile and Bamboo Milk luxury bubble bath – I smell of a pine forest or a toilet! 😳

I’m going to tell Jeff that I smell like I do to remind him of a romantic date walking through the forest, watching the squirrels and listening to the birds sing 😜 I think my chances of a shag are zero!

Have a good weekend folks! 😃

How to clear the men from the house 😄

This Friday will be my beautiful Arowyn’s 11th birthday ❤️


Not only is this her birthday but it is also the night of her “House full of 11 year old girls sleepover” Remember this was what I agreed to whilst half asleep a few weeks ago! 😕

We have sleeping bags, face packs, make up, nail varnish, Dominos pizza, popcorn, movies and a chocolate fountain 😃

We also have a mass exodus of the men in the household! 😄 Poor Jeff has begged to be allowed out with the boys.  I think Jeff was hoping to be let off the hook and have a quiet game of pool and a pint but the boys have promised him a night on the Town at the local nightclub 😄

I intend to enjoy the solitude of my bedroom and my book – but I will supervise the chocolate fountain and make sure it’s working adequately 😜😜

Have a lovely weekend folks!

The little things x

Last night was so so hot.  The girls were struggling to sleep in the heat and time was getting on.  Fourth born eventually fell asleep, on top of her bed, at 10.00pm – really late for a school night.  But 3rd born still struggled.  I was desperate for her to sleep as its her last day at Primary today and they had a bowling trip planned – I wanted her to enjoy her last day and not feel exhausted.

After fourth born had fallen asleep I drove to the garage to get some milk.  I had all the car windows open – the breeze was wonderful after the heat of the day.

I hurried back – it was now nearly 11.00pm – 3rd born was still awake.  “Quick” I said to her “put on your dressing gown and come with me” 🙂

Surprised and bemused she followed me down the stairs.  I put her in the car and we drove all around the Ring Road of our Town – her little head hanging out of the car window, the breeze making her shriek with excitement.  We laughed together and looked at the full moon 🙂

Yes it was madness, yes it was very late – but it was special x

At last, her cool little body slept xx


Real or Fake?

I bought 3rd born, aged 10, some little tankinis – she has no boobs yet but just needed something to cover her top half.

The following day I noticed that her boobs had grown over night!  She was showing a rather impressive chest under her t-shirt – so impressive infact, she was rivalling my chest – not difficult to do, I know, but it’s taken me many a year to grow these babies, they  didn’t appear overnight!

I didn’t comment I just glanced furtively every now and again.  I had a suspicion they were stuffed boobs. It didn’t take 4th born long to whisper to me that her sister had stuffed tissue in her tankini 😄

Now this needed delicate handling.  I didn’t want to embarrass her but needed to ensure she didn’t leave the house like this.  If her sister noticed the stuffed tissue it wouldn’t take long for others to notice – and I didn’t want her to be teased for it.

As I tucked her into bed I said to her

“don’t stuff your tankini with tissue – it will stop your real boobies from growing”

She looked at me and starting laughing

“I’m serious” I replied “I used to do this all the time when I was your age – that’s why mine didn’t grow!” 😳

She looked down at my chest, with sympathy in her eyes – and promptly removed the remnants of nearly a whole loo roll ……………….. 😄


Wisdom – my arse!

Dear Wisdom Tooth,

Why are you referred to as a “Wise Tooth?”

Now with a title called “Wisdom” I have viewed you as being the Gandalf of my teeth, leading them carefully through the vigours of life, advising the fat little molars beside you when it’s safe to chew or when to chuck that lump of toffee over to the other side to deal with!

I would have viewed you as the fatherly tooth to those incisors, who like to pretend they’re stronger and more sharper than anyone else in there – well I guess they are sharper, sharp enough to look romantic in a sexy vampire movie – and old fat molar going for the neck probably wouldn’t look as good!  However, I still rely on you as “the wisdom tooth” to keep them in line!

So if you are the Gandalf – the wise old tooth – why the fuck did you go in for the kill on Friday night with – lets face it – a small piece of “deep fried chilli beef” it was no where in the range of a tough old steak or one of “Nanny Beech’s hard butterscotch sweets – it was a soft bit of chilli beef from the Chinese Take-away – that I was so looking forward to after my crappy week 😳

You clearly didn’t assess the situation and just went in for the chew and – crunch – you are now fractured and broken 😳 and as a consequence you have cost me a weekend of acute pain, a visit to an emergency dentist, a course of antibiotics,  I am doped up with pain killers and awaiting your removal.

Don’t think for one moment the tooth fairy will come for you!

Not very fucking wise now are you! 😜


Clicks and referrals 😄

Four months later, I’m still abit of a novice with this blogging lark 😄 I still don’t really understand how it all works, where to tag and how to categorise anything.  I just tend to plod along at my own pace, feeling quite surprised that anyone actually finds and reads anything I post.

I don’t pay a lot of attention to my Stats and have no understanding of what clicks and referrals actually mean 😳 Which was why I was highly amused to look at them and see that someone was searching for a Kiera Gardiner on Facebook – probably some hot chick they met at a nightclub last weekend – and they got referred to our cat on WordPress 😄😄😄😄😄

Shine up that furry coat Kiera – you’ve pulled!

The No Mirror Challenge – the verdict 😜

I know, I know – I’m a night early and should be doing this tomorrow evening but I’m out tomorrow and I’m sure there is someone somewhere on the Blogosphere who is eagerly awaited my verdict 😳 is there?  Hello?  Hello?  Yoohoo?

Anyway here we go ……….

Once upon a time there was a little boy on his way to the park to play football.  He was hurrying as he wasn’t allowed out for too long and was looking forward to seeing his friends.

As he came down the road he saw an old lady.  She was almost bent double carrying two heavy bags of groceries.  As the little boy approached he could see how much she was struggling.

“Can you help me across the road?” she cackled at the little boy with a toothless smile

The little boy was startled, she truly looked like the old witch in Hansel and Gretel.  He hesitated, boy was she a scary sight! And he was desperate to get to the park – but he was a kind little boy so took the heavy bags from her knarled old hands and dutifully carried them across the road.

When they reached the other side she smiled her thanks and in a flash of light turned into a beautiful princess who granted the little boy three wishes ……….

The moral of this story is this – beauty is on the inside – never judge someone from how they look – there just may be a beautiful princess inside!

This is the story I’ve told to all four of my children as they were growing up – always telling them not to judge from the outside.

Of course it has backfired a few times – like the time I took 1st and 2nd born down to the nursing home I was currently working at and they looked expectantly at all the old ladies awaiting a transformation and three wishes …….. 😄

Anyway my week of not using a mirror and finding my inner beauty has not gone bad at all – I will confess I relapsed at the weekend but that was unavoidable.

No kind child offered to carry my shopping though – probably just as well as I didn’t have any wishes to give away!

I also came to the conclusion that I don’t look in the mirror half as much as I thought I did – probably why I look like a scarecrow most of the time – a happy scarecrow 😃

Beware of this little witch – she’s likely to put a spell on you!


The Reunion

She was sat in the Foyer of the Hotel, a petite elderly lady. Her hair beautifully styled, her tiny hands twisting on her lap clearly showing her pretty pink nail polish, it was easy to notice that she had just reapplied a little perfume and powdered her nose.  There she sat, deliberately looking out of the window, almost as if she couldn’t bear to see anyone approaching.

I knew she was there, waiting, waiting for me.  I had waited 8 years for this moment.

I walked towards her, she turned, I held open my arms.  Her face crumpled and she began to cry.  I knelt on the floor beside her and wrapped my arms around her tiny frame.  She held me, stroking my hair, kissing my face and and softly whispered endearments to me

“You’re so beautiful” she said “I’ve never stopped thinking about you”

We both cried and held each other.

“I don’t know what to say to you” she said

“You don’t have to say anything” I reassured her “everything is fine”

“Did I do the right thing?”

“Yes” I smiled “yes you did”

She looked at me, holding my face in her hands and smiled

“You have your father’s eyes” ❤️