All posts by lisamariagardiner

About lisamariagardiner

Married with 4 children, dog and a cat - I'm doing quite well - they're all still alive ๐Ÿ˜Š

Plum ๐Ÿ’

Third born was telling us about another school girl who has a very well developed chest.

Fourth born looked on in interest and tried to pass some support to her sister by saying

“She only has big boobs because she’s a Plum!”

We both look at her confused

“Do you mean Plump Lana?” ๐Ÿ˜€

“Yes” she replied “that’s what I said, she’s a plum”

I’m now working my way to “Plum Status” as I type ๐Ÿ˜œ


“Unclean! – Unclean!”๐Ÿ˜ณ

Oh dear, it’s all abit doom and gloom in the household at the moment ๐Ÿ˜ณ

First born done his knee in at Football and is on crutches for the next 4-6 weeks. ย As a consequence he’s moved back home seeing as he can’t manage the three flights of stairs to get to his flat. ย I’m not sure he realises I’ve ย done it as an investment for my old age and I have to move in with him when I can no longer manage my stairs! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

Third born came home from school yesterday after swallowing or inhaling a pen top! ๐Ÿ˜จ ย After seeing the Doctor we decided it was swallowed – seeing as she wasn’t wheezing and still breathing! ย Doctor told me to “keep a look out” for offending top – but I told him it’s ok – she does have other pens she can use! ๐Ÿ˜œ

I had my flu jab last Saturday and feel like crap. ย I’m shuffling around the house in an oversized dressing gown and demanding First born on crutches makes me tea – it’s not as if he’s hurt his arms is it! ๐Ÿ˜ณ

I tried to jolly myself up by playing my tunes ๐Ÿ˜ƒ as I bopped around to “I love to Boogie” by T Rex – swirling oversized dressing gown around with me Third born stood at the door – she watched me for a while, with undisguised admiration and then said

“Mom – don’t!” ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ


He’s got a crush on me โค


I think my bank manager has a crush on me โค he sends me a letter at the end of every month ๐Ÿ˜œ

Course this was an assumption I made about the butcher. ย Just before Christmas last year he asked me if I had any idea what I would like ordered for Christmas. ย I gave him a coy smile and told him not to go to any trouble โ€“ chocolates or chanel perfume would be fine ๐Ÿ˜

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It’s been “One of those weeks” ๐Ÿ˜ณ

I’ve had “One of those Weeks” ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ

The nice thing was Jeffrey returned from France – I’m sure after half an hour he was wishing he was back there! ๐Ÿ˜„

He walked in the door and straight into a full blown conversation that had me explaining to Fourth born that she wouldn’t just “grow a penis because she wanted to!” ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Third born was complaining because her school shoes fell to bits – after three weeks of wear! ย Ok, I opted for the cheap ones so I guess that was my fault. ย I read up everything I could find about legal rights when returning shoddy goods – because of course I hadn’t bothered to keep the receipt! ย I memorised and quoted the law like a top class barrister and off I trotted to the shoe shop, like a fighter going in to battle!

The Manager took one look at the shoes and refunded in full – without me saying a word! ย I was sooooo disappointed – I learnt all that information for nothing! ย ๐Ÿ˜ณ

I’ve worked almost non-stop this week to earn some extra money for Christmas and I’ve justย finished my last nightshift for this week. ย Seeing as I have tonight off and have a date with Jeffrey I decide to have a luxurious bath before I take myself off to bed ๐Ÿ˜Š

I then decide the bath needs a clean before I soak my weary, hairy little legs in it. ย I discover I’ve run out of bath cleaner so I used Harpic Limescale Remover ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Now, instead of smelling of Camomile and Bamboo Milk luxury bubble bath – I smell of a pine forest or a toilet! ๐Ÿ˜ณ

I’m going to tell Jeff that I smell like I do to remind him of a romantic date walking through the forest, watching the squirrels and listening to the birds sing ๐Ÿ˜œ I think my chances of a shag are zero!

Have a good weekend folks! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

Bridget Jones’s Baby ๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿ˜„

What joy I had going to see this film tonight! ๐Ÿ˜„

I wanted to see it sooooo much – and Jeff didn’t want to see it sooooo much – I decided whilst he was away working it would be an ideal time! ย Plus I rather value my marriage and Jeff had said making him watch this was testing his love for me too much! ๐Ÿ˜„

Anyway off I trotted to the Cinema – Bridget Jones is probably the only film you can confidently sashay into the cinema and proudly ask for a single ticket! ย I picked my seat – on the back row folks – Go Me! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ I was all alone until another female singleton sat one seat away from me. ย I turned to her and said “Folk will think we’re a couple who’ve had a row” ๐Ÿ˜„ ย She joined in the fun and moved 3 rows in front – just to keep up the charade …….. ๐Ÿ˜œ

So there I was – sat snugly between two couples – I was enjoying my popcorn and happily grabbing handfuls – and then I remembered – I hadn’t bought any – but I don’t think they minded sharing ………. ๐Ÿ˜œ

Now the film! ย Oh what a little nugget of pleasure it was! ย I howled with laughter and then wept like a baby! ย It was bloody marvellous and I loved this film! โค๏ธ

I did miss my Jeff though – especially when I left the cinema and couldn’t remember what parking bay I had left the car in ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

Getting old! ๐Ÿ˜ณ

I just came back from food shopping. ย There was a time when, if two young men stood close to me at the checkout I used to think they were flirting with me – now I assume they are going to mug me and steal my purse!

I’ve turned into a suspicious old woman, clutching my handbag and scowling at anyone who looks young enough to be my offspring! ๐Ÿ˜ณ

On the brighter side I’m on a mini hollibob again – 5 glorious days off whilst Jeff is working in France – 5 glorious days of clearing out cupboards, washing, ironing, cleaning and doing all those shitty jobs I don’t have time to do normally ๐Ÿ˜ณ ย I’m also going to overdose on Orange is the New Black!

Have a good week folks! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

Planets – or not …. ๐Ÿ˜ณ

imag0145.jpg“Mom, what’s a penis” asked my enquisitive child

“It’s the proper name for a boy’s willy” I inform her

“Oh” she says, looking confused “Arowyn said it was a planet!”

Venus, Penis? Penis, Uranus? ย How the heck do I keep up with them! ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ



New beginnings, new loves! ๐Ÿ˜œ

Hope you’re all well. ย It’s been a tad manic the past fortnight with third born starting secondary school and fourth born having a mini meltdown now her big sister is no longer in the same school ๐Ÿ˜ but we are getting there!

Third born is absolutely loving her new school and has settled brilliantly, although I think a certain young lad in her form has made the world a sunnier place in her eyes ๐Ÿ˜

She had only been there 2 days when he asked her out – by the 4th day his words of devotion went along the lines of – how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, how she had completed his life – did I mention they are both 11 years old ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„ ย He even called her his Queen! ๐Ÿ’“

Jeff doesn’t call ME his bloody Queen – after 13 years, let alone 3 days – although to be fair I’m allowed to handle the Crown Jewels on a Friday night after a Chinese takeaway ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

Meanwhile fourth born was practicing her spellings for this week. ย For each word she had to make a sentence. ย One of her words was “Happily” her sentence went as follows:

I happily helped my friend do IT’S homework ๐Ÿ˜ณ

I hope IT was very appreciative! ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

Have a good day folks, I’m off for a lie down!

Mary, Mary – quite contrary ……….

Men often complain that they can never understand us women. ย I’m beginning to think they have a point! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

How I behave each and every day is governed by whether I’m in a good mood and loving the world or whether I’m in a shit mood and cross with everything! ย However, like the weather, my mood and attitude can change by the hour! ๐Ÿ˜„

Take the other weekend as I’m leaving the house to go to work

“You don’t have to do anything today Jeff, leave the washing up and tidying up, just have a nice day with the girls” I beamed ๐Ÿ˜„

Me, as I return from work

“Did you actually do anything in the way of housework today Jeffrey?” ๐Ÿ˜ก

I horrify myself sometimes – infact I would probably divorce myself under these circumstances ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Still never mind – it keeps him on his toes! ๐Ÿ˜„