Monthly Archives: December 2015

Eating my way to the end of the world 😜🎉🎊🍔🍟🍰

“When is the end of the world?” asked 4th born aged 7


“The end of the world – what day this week?”

“Do you mean the end of the year?”

“Yeah, that’s it!” 😂😂😂

On that happy note i hope you all enjoyed your Christmas and now eagerly awaiting the End of the World – sorry – End of the Year celebrations before the return to work, school and normality.  Working in the Care Industry my working life has continued as per normal – pity my eating habits haven’t followed suit 😳

I honestly don’t know what it is about holidays that make me think I can  happily eat lemon cheesecake at 7.30am – my greedy little troll on my shoulder shrieks “it’s Christmas – of course you can eat the sodding cheesecake – and while you’re at it – shove some barbecue Pringles in for good measure” 😜

This is all whilst trying to teach 3rd and 4th born good eating habits – whilst I’m pinching handfuls of jelly babies from their secret Christmas stash 😄

Last year’s Christmas eating habits should have taught me a lesson.  I rang 1st born for a chat

“I’m eating pork pie and penis for breakfast” I chortled down the phone 😃

“WTF Mother!!!”

It would appear that with a mouthful of PEANUTS – I couldn’t talk properly either! 😁😁

I’m sure I will get back to my normal eating habits very soon – hopefully before I run out clothes that fit 🐷🐷



A Turkey tale🐔🐔🐔🐔

It could have all gone so horribly wrong – what with chief turkey roaster (1st born) buggering off to China – without any bloody thought about who was going to cook my turkey 😳

Previous years have gone something like this – must cook turkey – before opening lambrini – must cook turkey – before opening lambrini – must look perky – before opening something – must book something – before opening something – must finish bottle – before – nope too late ………… Zzzzzzzzz berry shishbush to you all 😳

However – I bloody surpassed myself 😄 Turkey was crammed with a large onion up his bum – or neck – depending upon which end of the turkey you were facing.  He was then treated to a naked massage – him naked, not me – and had butter rubbed all over his wrinkled body and then powdered with seasonings and a few streaky rashers laying seductively across his naked form – ummmmm I think I’ve been reading too much Jackie Collins ……… 😜

Anyway, into the oven he went on Christmas Eve – I decided to cook him the day before, in case there were any disasters – I could then use my contingency plan of “turning up on other family members doorsteps, just in time for Christmas dinner” 😜 but all was going to plan – well I did forget to remove the giblets – but everyone forgets those – standard.  My oven had a funny half hour – or 4, and decided to smoke the house out – Jeffrey did suggest it may need a clean …………. I helped him up off the kitchen floor ……….

But even after all that – the end result was bloody marvellous 😃 I was rather taken back the next morning when it was suggested we have roast potatoes, parsnips, carrots, stuffing, piggies in the blanket bla bla bla ……. with my precious Turkey 😳 I assumed the turkey alone would suffice 😜

So we ended up having a lovely Christmas day with a lovely Christmas dinner – Jeffrey is one lucky man to have such a fine wife as I 😍

Jeff is on holiday for the next two weeks 😃 He is intending to do loads of jobs around the house during these holidays 😃  He’s bloody marvellous at DIY – it just takes him sooooooo long to finish what he’s started – I waited almost a year for my floor tiles to be laid in the lounge and down the hallway.  I cried, threatened to move out till he finished – but then had to backtrack as I thought my family may not remember who I was when I eventually came back!  I told him nothing would be getting laid till my floor was!   I resorted to standing naked at the end of the hallway enticing him tile by tile 😄 But the end result was first class 😃 so I’m looking forward to maybe a new coat of paint in the bathroom – all ready for next Christmas 😃😃

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and if anyone needs any Turkey tips for future reference – I’m the one to speak to 😃

Understanding ❤❤

“Have you got everything?” she would ask.  “Give me three rings on the phone when you get home” she would say, hovering around the car.  “Yes Mom” I will I would say slightly exasperated “I only live an hour up the road 😁

I always intended to ring, but sometimes not straight away.  The phone would ring, her little worried voice “just checking your home” x

I understand now Mom, I truly understand xx

Safe flight, keep safe my dear Sons and – please – three rings when you get there ❤


Ding dong merrily on high – and all that Crimbo business ⛄🎅😁

I’m typing this on my phone and can only see half the bloody screen so apologies – I have no idea what I’m writing 😨

Thought I would drop in and see how everyone’s Christmas plans are going – nice and all organised?  Shit, I was hoping to find fellow headless chickens like myself 😨

I still have food shopping to do – which possibly means just the scraggly manky brussel sprouts and squirty cream left – not to have together you understand – but I must be the only person ever to love brussels ❤

1st and 2nd born fly to China tomorrow to spend Christmas with their Dad so I’m a bit sad they won’t be home for Christmas and course first Christmas without my Mom – but – she loved this time of year so I’ll do her proud with the microwave Christmas dinners I’m dishing up 😁😁 Ha! only kidding, Jeff will become spoilt with that kind of treatment – he will eat his turkey, cooked with my fair hand and LIKE IT VERY MUCH !!!!

4th born is very much on her best behaviour after last week’s Harry Potter incident – in fact peace is reigning in the household – course it will probably only last whilst there are mince pies in the house and me and Jeff have eaten 24 mini ones in 2 nights 😁

I can feel my thighs and arse expanding by the hour – didn’t help when I put on a pair of knickers – that wouldn’t go over my thighs – what a relief to discover they were 3rd borns, aged 9-10 – phew, back to the mince pies …….. 😃




A phone call from School ……

Butter wouldn’t melt….. wanna bet!

Last year`s Note to Self:  Don’t, under any circumstances, buy any more fucking wrapping paper, you have enough to last 5 years!

This year`s Note to Self: Don’t take any fucking notice of any future Notes to Self!

Today, wrapping parcels – I run out of fucking wrapping paper!  Which meant I had to drag my carcass around a busy town centre, fighting my way through happy folk, full of Christmas cheer, actually most of them were as miserable as sin – they probably made their own Note to Self, which also turned out to be a load of bollocks too 🙂

Apologies for language folks, I swear in my writing to avoid me swearing at off-spring, which believe me takes a great display of self-control especially right now 🙂

However, I think after yesterday`s phone call, I won`t have to bother wrapping anything for 4th born cos Santa will run a mile when he hears about her latest …………..

Up until yesterday I was full of the Christmas spirit – well full of mince pies and cashew nuts – but they count as Christmas spirit in my eyes 🙂 I was happily nibbling away, wrapping up Christmas parcels, listening to the Christmas Album and singing along to Band Aid, wiping a little tear when I thought of all those poor little children and thinking about how fortunate my little children were in comparison, my heart filling with love for them – and then the School rang………….

Initially I wasn’t concerned.  I pride myself on the fact that everyone of my off-spring are well-behaved, they may act like trolls at home but at school they always got brilliant school reports, always polite and helpful bla bla bla.  So I figured they were ringing to tell me 3rd or 4th born were Star of the Week 🙂  But, how fucking wrong can you be!!

4th born`s teacher very apologetically told me that 4th born`s behaviour had left a lot to be desired lately, she seems to have found her confidence (cockiness) and asserting herself rather forcefully (being gobby) etc etc.  To say I was upset was an understatement!  I apologised profusely and said I would be speaking to her when she got home, I was just thanking her for her call when she interrupted me “Actually Mrs Gardiner, there was something else” Ooooooh maybe she still made top of the House Point list but not bloody likely – “Well, we were having a discussion time about behaviour and Lana told myself and the class that when she was naughty, you locked her in a cupboard” WHAT!!!!!!!

Who the fuck does she think she is – Harry-fucking-Potter!!!

I actually laughed at the absurdity of the statement, but then gathered myself together and said I understood they had to take these things seriously but in all honesty I didn’t have a cupboard big enough to put her in which isn’t filled with crap!  However, I may find one now!

As a consequence 4th born wasn’t allowed to enrol in Cubs last night – she cried and cried and wrote me a letter which said how sorry she was but could she please go to “CUBES” – I sent her back to her room and suggested she practice her spellings instead 🙂 🙂

Rules of the household :)

We all know that in every household there has to be “rules”- like replacing the loo rolls, putting the lid on the toothpaste, hanging towels back up – these, incidentally, are Jeff`s “rules” which no-one takes any notice of 🙂 Mine, however, are a whole different ball game, and god forbid if you mess with my rules 🙂

Both Jeff and I work bloody hard, full-time, so we do share a lot of the household jobs – he`s in charge of keeping the toilet seat warm on his return from work and then progresses to chief sofa warmer during an evening 🙂 The lion`s share of the cleaning, looking after the girls, organising school uniforms, washing and ironing etc., is my domain – you may have noticed I missed out cooking – I do that too – but quite badly, I’m very lucky that Jeff is so grateful to have something/anything cooked for him he never complains and eats everything put in front of him – on his warming sofa, of course 🙂

Listening to him this morning, hunting for clean pants and socks reminded me of a few years ago when he broke one of my “rules” Ha!

One major rule of the household is that Jeff HAS to put petrol in the car for me.  I can and have done it but I have a complete phobia about it – I don’t know why, I’m always worried which side the tank is on, always get it wrong, always go over what I intended to put in there, worried my bank card will be rejected and I`ve effectively “stolen” petrol with no means to pay – all irrational but it`s not “my thing”.  So that is top of Jeff`s jobs to do.  One night I was about to leave to a nightshift, I said the usual “is there petrol in the car?” “there should be” Jeff replied!!!!  WHAT DO YOU MEAN – THERE SHOULD BE!!!! ARRRRRHHHHH!

This resulted in me having a meltdown listing off all the possible scenerios that could happen if I ran out of petrol.  Off I stropped to work – incidentally, there was more than enough to get me there – but – not the point folks, not the fucking point 🙂

The next morning I returned and whilst he was in the shower, I removed his drawer containing all his pants and socks and hid them 🙂

Out of the shower he came to get dressed …………… He wasn’t impressed and was putting on a fine show of dancing around butt naked telling me he would late for work bla bla bla.  I stood there chuckling and informed him that if he didn’t supply me with petrol, I wouldn`t supply him with clean pants and socks 🙂 🙂 He eventually found his drawer, hidden in the boys room and he`s been pretty good about the petrol situation since then 🙂

I introduced him to an old friend of mine recently, she said “Commiserations Jeff” on being married to me – how rude!!!IMAG1112



When a child is born …….

Most woman have a sign that they are going into labour.  Their waters break, contractions start – not me – I just wail and weep before anything has even started 🙂

With 1st born, I cried for about 5 hours after hearing Perry Como sing “For the Good Times” My Dad used to sing this in the pub all the bloody time after him and Mom had divorced.  I didn`t cry for that reason though, I cried cos he was the typical “pub singer” and as a teenager and it was always excruiciatingly embarrassing hearing him sing 🙂

2nd born, I cried and cried because I just knew I wasn’t going to love him as much as 1st born – I did, of course 🙂

3rd born, I had at home, and cried because I couldn’t finish hovering the stairs whilst in labour – bloody hell I`ve changed – now I cry if I have to do it!

And then onto 4th born – I cried and cried because I hadn’t finished my Christmas shopping and I just knew there would be no bloody turkeys left by the time I could gather myself together to venue out – again, I`ve changed as I wouldn`t give a hoot now if there was no turkeys left – means less cooking for me to do on Christmas Eve 🙂

And so it came to pass that on this day, 8 years ago, a child was born.  There probably were a few shepherds pottering around but no Kings appeared on the doorstep – there was, however, an Angel in attendance x

The beauty of her birth was the fact, like 3rd born, she was born at home and I was able to bring her straight downstairs and hand to my Mom xx


Happy Birthday to my beautiful banana xxxxxx


The turkey has landed …. and so have the “Trolls”

Oh yes the Christmas Turkey has landed 😃 Christmas is now officially happening – or at least the turkey is – unlike last year when I left it too late and turkeys had all sold out 😳  However, I’m not so sure about the “bearded one” landing and bearing his gifts for the “Trolls” – sorry offspring 😜 I think when he gets a report about them he may run screaming back to his sleigh, shoving a carrot in the reindeers gobs to get them to go faster!

Now I love this time of year for many reasons, but one reason that sits quite high on my list is the fact that you are almost certainly guaranteed lovely well-behaved, polite children for at least a couple of weeks in the build up.  When they’re about to kick off, all it takes is a sly little glance in the garden, their faces follow your gaze, you can almost feel their panic – “oooh was that the Christmas Robin I just saw sat on the fence?” I question innocently “better get ready for school and be good, he will be reporting back to Santa 😀  Off they race, almost breaking their necks to get ready first and show that robin how good they are 😀

“Oh dear” I sigh – “better hope Santa isn’t watching you having a major melt-down cos you’ve been asked to wash up”………..

“Where’s the washing up liquid Mommy” 😀

Bloody fantastic it is – or was – until this year 😳  Even the App on my phone that shows Santa ringing me isn’t working – 3rd born looks at me with pity in her eyes and laughs – I’ve even tried it on 1st and 2nd born, but at 23 and 21 years of age – they’re not falling for it either 😃 4th born – my baby, believes every word but quite frankly she’s not giving a shit this year 😳

Today 4th born ate a whole tub of Prawn Cocktail Pringles before dinner – furious I was – since they were mine!  She then announced she wasn’t hungry when given her dinner.  3rd born had a melt-down because I wouldn’t allow her to shave her legs – she’s 10 years old 😱  poor hairy little child – I’m sorry but you have inherited the hairy gene from me – I feel your pain – but you are only 10!!  That nice little hairy covering on your legs will save me buying you tights for the rest of December 😄

I decided to escape to Aldi for food shopping and leave the girls with Jeff – who was busy watching  back to back episodes of “Super Girl” 😁 “hello!” I’m the bloody Super Girl round here coping with your offspring – I’m just not running around showing my pants and making my boobs bounce – ummmm that’s a thought!  Actually no it’s not – I keep forgetting I have no boobs after breastfeeding aforementioned offspring for years and years 😜  So today I had no intention of taking girls with me after last weeks shopping trip.

Last week I decided to give them a little responsibility round the shop.  I gave them both a shopping basket and told them to get their own cereals, jam, croissants etc and meet me at the till.  “For goodness sake don’t leave the shop, you will get arrested for shop-lifting – and I’m not bailing you out!” I shrieked as they happily trotted off swinging their baskets 😃 what on earth was I thinking ………..😁😁

I had a lovely relaxing shopping experience – well as relaxing as it can be in fucking Aldi 😜 I met them at the till and praised them for being so responsible and sensible – till I checked contents of their baskets …….. 3rd born had a gingerbread house, 5 boxes of luxury Christmas cards for her friends, 3 boxes of Christmas candles and a box of chocolate biscuits – 4th born had filled her basket with a pair of jeans, new pair of trainers, 6 high energy drinks and was desperately hanging onto a “blow up Spiderman mattress” – that incidentally reared its ugly head a few weeks ago on a previous shopping trip 😁 they both had tinsel draped around their necks 😄

So – No – they weren’t coming with me today!

I gathered my bags and shopping list “Please can we come too” they smiled sweetly at me – “no fucking way” I muttered under my breath but smiled sweetly back and said “I’m sorry you can’t come – I have a crisis meeting with the Elves about your behaviour” ………………. 😳


Christmas fudge🎅😄

Last Christmas many of my nearest and dearest looked at me with pity in their eyes as I declared I was going to make fudge as presents for them all 😊 they’re all familiar with my skills in the kitchen!  They smiled “yep, course you are Lisa” I huffed off, I’ll show them I thought….. And that’s all I did do – think about it 😄

So this year I thought I would surprise them all by saying “I’m going to make fudge for you all for Christmas”🎅 and I really have “thought” about it ……..

I never said which bloody Christmas I was talking about did I 😄

*rushes off to buy “homemade” fudge – homemade by Thorntons”