And so it came about that my eyeball felt like it was hanging out of my eye – what had begun as a simple stye on my eye – or so I thought – turned out to be much worse.
I don’t like being ill or going to the doctors – I’m far too busy for all that shit – so I put off going to get my swollen eyeball checked out. Eventually I couldn’t lower my head for the pain, which went from my dodgy eye right down to my jaw. Jeff eventually had enough and forced me into the car – he had to force me cos I could no longer see the bloody car! Off we toddled to the Eye Hospital, with me moaning the whole way about how we were wasting valuable NHS time – all for a bloody stye! By this time I could have fitted half a dozen fat little piglets in aforementioned stye!
On arrival we were rushed through – this was possibly due to me frightening children in the waiting room – seeing as I hobbled along pretending to be Igor – “Master, Master” I called to Jeffrey, I was completely in character role and apart from eyeball nearly hanging out I was enjoying embarrassing him (I do this quite a lot as punishment for not finishing the decorating he started in 2013)
After being seen by various consultants I was rather gobsmacked to be told I had to be admitted immediately – they suspected I had orbital cellulitis, a serious condition which if left untreated could cause blindness or inflammation of the brain.
I was rushed upstairs and put straight on IV antibiotics, I was a bit scared – was I going to look this hideous for ever? my offspring won’t be able to face looking at me! But more importantly I was going to have to leave Jeffrey in charge at home!!!!!!
“Must stop being control freak, must stop being control freak, must stop being control freak” I repeated to get my panic under control. He is more than capable of looking after offspring and animals, I don’t really mean it when I tell him if anything happened to me our children would end up in care!
Well it became clear I was going to be in hospital for a while. I wrote out a list of instructions – telling Jeffrey all the important things he needed to know, like the children’s names and where to find clean school uniforms – I also gave him instructions on how to wash and brush his daughters’ hair (he’s bald and not familiar with this concept).
Jeffrey went off to collect the offspring and bring them in to see me – I pretended I was playing pirates when they arrived, just to reassure them I was ok 😃 I didn’t have access to a parrot so I improvised with a sick bowl on my shoulder. They were reassured that eyeball was no longer going to fall out – well hopefully – but I cheered them up by telling them we could have a wicked Halloween playing with a real eyeball!
Once they had left me I looked longingly at my OWN BED!!!!!! Fuck – I couldn’t remember when I last had A BED TO MYSELF – in I climbed – absolute bloody bliss! No one yelling at me that they’re hungry – no one expecting me to find clean pants for them – No one expecting me to scare the shit out of the cat by hoovering – the list was endless!
There I was laid in my bed armed with my 3 new paperbacks that had arrived from Amazon that morning – in Braille of course! I open up my bag of goodies I instructed jeff to bring me, cashew nuts, cadburys fruit and nut and a bag of pork scratchings (I have a bit of a soft spot for pigs, due to eye situation) shit – should have told jeff to bring me toiletries and clean pants as well as goodies to eat ……
The first night was a bit of a pain as they constantly woke me to administer my drugs but I didn’t mind – I intended to stay in bed the following day and catch up on around 8 years of sleep!
What a rude awakening I had the following day! “Lisa, you really don’t need to be in bed all day” said Nurse Ratchett – I looked at her feebly, nodded and immediately buried my head under the covers. I continued to do this all day, pretending to be asleep – only time I surfaced was when I heard the squeaky wheels of the tea trolley “one tea for Jack Sparrow” the lovely tea lady would call cheerfully.
Nurse Ratchett was back on the war path again “Lisa, if you don’t get out of bed I will have to give you an injection to reduce the risk of a DVT” she threatened – “inject away Nurse Ratchett – I ain’t scared” I replied. She just didn’t get it – I was knackered, working up to 50 hours a week, 4 kids, husband, a dog and a cat to look after – I was bloody well entitled to my little hollibob.
A different approach was needed and Nurse Ratchett started to play dirty and moved me out of my little haven of a room and transferred me to a ward – I wouldn’t even get out of bed to be moved – I was pushed down to my new home – full of elderly patients – a bloody bus man’s holiday for me!
i gradually ventured up and helped one of my fellow holiday makers onto the commode – due to eyesight impaired I didn’t realise the lid was still on it but we all had a good chuckle about that! I fitted in a treat with those old biddy’s – we compared facial hair – I won for my extremely unwaxed chin.
They finally let me go home after 4 days – my eyeball was back where it should be and believe it or not everyone had survived at home without me ……………