Monthly Archives: November 2015

Riverdance – the final

Riverdance Selfie 🙂


I knew this photo would pop up on my “Facebook Memories” any time soon – I was dreading it – I knew it would make me cry and I don’t want to cry now.

This photo was me and my lovely Mom at Riverdance last November.  For as long as I could remember, Riverdance was our shared love, something that had been on our bucket list for such a long time.

She was so bloody excited to be going – as was I 🙂  As soon as the music started, I began to well up with happiness, as soon as her little legs began to jig around in her wheelchair, the tears began 🙂

She rocked her wheelchair till she nearly dislodged the brakes and zoomed down the Theatre aisle to join them on the stage.  Her painful arthritic hands clapped together, she sang, she cheered and generally behaved like a 12 year old at a One Direction concert 🙂

We left the Theatre with the music ringing in our ears.

This was to be my last special outing with her.  Five weeks later she was admitted to hospital.  We played Riverdance at the hospital.  I hoped she would remember the joy of that evening.

She never came home again and left us on 21 March 2015.

The next time I heard Riverdance was at her funeral.  I held everyone up from leaving the Service, I wanted to ensure she heard it all one final time, wherever she was.

I haven’t listened to it since that day last March, but I will, one day, and remember that beautiful memory of our last performance 🙂

Love and miss you xx

My new library 📚📖📕📗📘📙❤️😃

Start the love of books early 🙂


I think I have a healthy interest in Facebook but I do try to make a conscious effort not to spend too much time on it when the girls are at home.  Tis a pity this doesn’t work both ways!  Try gaining their attention when they are on the pc or my bloody phone – usually watching The Shaytards – wtf is that all about “baby tard” “princess tard” what a load “shite tard” – I could video a day in my household which would put those “tards” to shame 🙂

Anyway I’m going off on a tangent here!

I read an article recently about a mother who counted how many times her children looked at her whilst they were playing a game together.  I can’t recall how many times, but it was a lot.   The point she made was, had she had her nose buried in her phone all that time, what kind of message was that sending to her children?  Did this give them the impression of disinterest?  In my household they would be checking whether I was watching before they whacked each other round the head or nicked each other’s sweets 😃 but you get the picture.

I started kidscrumbsandcrackers at the encouragement and urging of a couple of friends – possibly to stop me blocking up their newsfeed on Facebook when I would post larger than life posts.

The beauty of Facebook is the popping in and out, it usually consists of short interesting posts, a quick like here and there, a few friendly words, a few xxxxx when needed, and a fair few, oh shut the fuck up’s – no one wants to know what the post is about when it’s titled “really fuming right now” if you want to tell us, go ahead – but don’t put “can’t talk about it on here, I’ll mail you privately babe” – if you don’t want to say – don’t put it on bloody Facebook in the first place 😜

So off I toddled to WordPress – with just simply the sole intention of making my own personal on line journal, diary, waffling to myself blog 😀

I read with interest and enthusiasm the Blogging 101 course, attempted to do something with the information it gave me, failed miserably, still have no understanding of what a “whippet” thing is or does – still tagging shit all over the place – incidentally I have no idea where my stuff goes – I don’t see it anywhere else, but somehow, against the odds, some of you have stumbled across my posts 😃 I’ve possibly and inadvertently tagged posts to all your pages without realising 😀 I’ll actually let you into a little secret – I seriously have no idea how I came about my signature orange heading – I accidentally touched something and there it was 😄 I dare not try to change it as it may disappear and so might I!

Thank you to those who have nominated me for blogging awards – I accept with pleasure but have no idea how to put those awards on my blog – but they are proudly displayed on my imaginary blog award shelf – I will eventually get around to polishing them – when I get around to polishing the dust off my polish 😜

Anyway like I said this was my aim of blogging.  I had absolutely no idea I would come across such brilliant reading material, not just quick little posts but pages of truly thought provoking, educational, inspiring and bloody hilarious blogs – in a nutshell – book worm heaven for me 😃

One of my favourite places in the world is the library – which is ironic seeing as I’m banned from all my local libraries – not due to wanton abuse of books, just simply because on every visit I cannot contain myself and end up getting out the maximum 16 books to read in a week – I read a lot but can never read them all in allotted time so they are constantly late back,  I can no longer afford the bank loan to pay the library fines – so the bastards have banned me 😳 this is like banning an alcoholic from the pub – they affectively broke my heart 💔 until now ………

So this post is to say a big thank you to anyone who has found me and commented on something I have written, I feel genuinely honoured.  Thank you for allowing me the privilege of reading your blogs, communicating with people all over the world, learning about new cultures, customs, ideas and just all round brilliant reading material.  Thank you for becoming my new “Library”

Ps.  Please don’t fine me 😳

Fifty Shades of ……….

VOMIT!  Yep that’s right, my weekend away was Fifty Shades of Vomit!

It all started off so well.  The journey down to the coast was pleasant – Jeffrey was clearly on his best behaviour – the “lucky pants” were looking promising 🙂  In fact there were only 2 wankers on the road all the way to Somerset – Jeffrey usually encounters more than that driving 5 minutes down the road to Tesco 🙂

We arrived at this gorgeous little B&B, lovely room – double shower, the biggest bed I`ve ever seen and a whole heap of tea-bags, which is always a massive bonus for me 🙂 as we walked into the room, Jeffrey proceeded to fall onto the massive bed, spread-eagled and declared he had the worse headache he`d ever had! – that’s usually my line, my love 🙂  I dosed him up with painkillers and left him to have 40 winks, which carried on to nearly 12 hours sleep.

I entertained myself with playing starfish on the huge bed – without encountering Jeffrey at all, probably just as well as I had forgotten to shave my legs – he usually moans its like sleeping next to a hedgehog 🙂

Never mind I thought, tomorrow is another day.  We woke up, him feeling marvellous and me feeling slightly dodgy.  We went down to breakfast and had a huge fry-up – I ate his fried bread and sausages as well as my own – don’t like to waste 🙂  Onwards our journey continued down to Devon.  On arrival we met our friends and went out for a lovely lunch – I could only manage half a bowl of minestrone soup – I’m rather partial to a minestrone, although I`ve never been entirely sure what vegetable a minestrone is?  Anyone?

We left the pub and went exploring.  Not too long into the journey I yelled – whimpered “stop the car!!!” where I encountered my minestrone soup again – on the side of the road 😦 not once but twice.  We decided to head for home, said our goodbyes and apologies to lovely friends – who most probably breathed a sigh of relief that their car was not plastered in Minestrone soup 🙂

We started driving up the road and this time I didn’t even give Jeff chance to stop the car, luckily wound down the window and proceeded to pebble dash the side of our car and most of my hair 😦  Jeff got out to try and comfort me – he was reluctant to touch me though seeing as I was covered in vomit – he just made soothing noises and mutterings like “fucking hell look at the state of the car” but he did shove me out of the way of pile of cow dung I nearly fell in – that’s true love 🙂

I won`t bore you with all the details, needless to say I spent the rest of the journey home – 4 fucking hours – with my head in a Tesco carrier bag – “every little helps and all that shit” 🙂

So the weekend wasn’t what we expected but seeing as I couldn’t go to work and Jeffrey had to take day off from work to look after the kids by Tuesday I progressed to the sofa as opposed to the bed.  Girls were at school so we decided to watch a movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” which I`ve incidentally renamed Fifty Shades of Shite 🙂

How unrealistic is this film?  Anastasia Steele is a virgin when she first encounters the lovely Christian Grey – no one – but no one can have as much sex as she does for the first time and not end up with a bad case of cystitis and a very sore fanny – very disappointed 🙂

Anyway I can`t even show you a lovely holiday picture cos I was too ill to take any photos so I`ve posted a random one anyway :)!IMAG1225

Happy Wednesday Folks!

Off to the seaside 😃

I`m a very fierce dog

This will be my first weekend off work for ages and me and Jeffrey are off to the seaside.  The girls were very excited – until I told them they weren’t invited and it was just me and daddy going for our anniversary.  They weren’t impressed and said I belonged to them – not daddy 😍

Much as I love them I must confess it will be lovely to be child, dog and cat free for two days, just think, we can eat dinner together and have adult conversation (like “have you got your lucky pants on Jeff”) 😄 we can sleep without a Jack Russell between us – or the cat perched on the end of the bed glaring at me, cos I’m snuggled next to her “person” 😁 or a child, or two – trying to wriggle in unnoticed 😀

Course the only problem is – Jeffrey’s driving us there and I’m navigating 😨 which is a sure sign we won’t be talking to each other by the time we get there – better forget the lucky pants Jeff Ha! 😃

It’s unbelievable how many “fucking idiots” are on the road the same time as Jeff – it’s like they sit at the end of our road waiting for him to pull off the driveway just so they can wind him up with their lack of knowledge of the Highway Code 😜  he doesn’t realise that giving rude hand gestures does not endear him to all those “fucking idiots” 😳

I try to calm the situation down by whacking him round the head with the map – which incidentally will be upside down and back to front cos I can’t make head or tail of it.  I suppose I could offer to share the driving – but I don’t like doing that either.  I just want a nice peaceful scenic drive, gazing out of the window, trying to spot the sea – ten minutes into the journey.

Incidentally the usual rules apply when we’re on our hollibobs –  if you intend to burgle us, don’t bother, we have fuck all worth nicking and fierce Jack Russell and cat in residence – plus two big strapping sons 😃

Anyway I’m off to pack my suitcase now plus my Bridget Jones pants 😜

Have a good weekend all 😃

I’m a very fierce cat

An alternative Happy Anniversary message :)

Two years ago on 2 November I said “I do”

As your wife I promised to cook for you – a maximum of twice a week 🍳🍴🍟

I promised to ensure you have clean pants every day – a complete indulgence seeing as you’re not incontinent 🌌🌌

I promised to clean the house – twice a year, once at Christmas and once at Easter but only if we have visitors 🏠

I promised to ensure you have a clean jumper every day to cover your un-ironed shirt 🙂IMAG1108

I promised to take care of your children – they’re still alive and growing well 👶👶

I promised to only moan once a week about your on going DIY progress 📌🔧🔨

Lastly I promised to love you, which I do, very much

Happy Anniversary Jeffrey 🐖🚁 xxx

Mother of the Day – obviously not me :)

When your conscientious little child asks you to time her brushing her teeth, so that she brushes for the correct time and you then begin making sandwiches, loading the dishwasher, quick look at the news, make a cup of tea, have a wee, wash your hands, quick look on Facebook, make a slice of toast ……………… and she continues to brush away 🙂 🙂IMAG2463

Falling of a Pedestal 😜

Every parent automatically qualifies for their very own Pedestal 😊

This pedestal is bestowed on them by their adorable offspring – and it’s fairly obvious why you are given this great honour.  When a man becomes a Father he is automatically elevated to superhero status in his child’s eyes – greater than Superman, Batman, Spider-Man – not one of those heros can compare to a Father in his child’s eyes 😍 and similarly the Mother becomes the Angel, the Nurse, the Comforter, the Virgin Mary, so pure is she 😇 in fact this one Mother is simply everything to their precious child and therefore both Mother and Father quite rightly can climb up on that pedestal – BUT BE WARNED – you will fall off at some point – because at some point your precious offspring will catch you out – will discover something you’ve said or done and Whhaaaaaay off your pedestal you fall – arse in the air 😳

Now if you’re lucky you may stay up there for many years.  As a child grows – their acceptance of small mistakes you make can be easily overlooked.  Take the fibs we tell about Father Christmas, the Easter Rabbit and the Tooth Fairy – our children accept these fibs – mainly because they get Christmas parcels, an Easter egg and money from the Tooth Fairy (incidentally 4th born is completely and utterly freaked out by the Tooth Fairy – tis a nightmare when she loses a tooth – she acts like Freddie Krugar is coming to collect her tooth) 😷

But whoa betide you getting caught out on something they didn’t gain anything for 😀

Now I think I stayed on my pedestal till 1st and 2nd born were in their very late teens – and I was completely to blame for my downfall.

Me and their father bloody loved theme parks, Alton Towers, Drayton Manor – we loved them, even had yearly passes.  But what a complete waste of time these places are with small children 😀 I mean there’s only so many times you can go on the bloody teacup ride or up on the flying elephant ride and as for Thomas the Tank rides – i wanted to chew my ears off listening to that bloody tune over and over again.  Well I’m sure you get my drift.  We longed to go without the boys and go on the grown up rides 😄 so we plotted and schemed and shamefully dropped them off at school and went to Alton Towers without them knowing.  We had a fantastic time and they never suspected a thing …………. Until I told them many years later ………. The look of shock, disappointment and sadness that showed on their 16 and 18 year old faces 😂😂 I wrongly assumed they would find it as amusing as me – I was wrong!

Down, Down, Down I slid from my pedestal but Imwas screeching with laughter as I fell 😃😃

I temporarily slid halfway down when I came home from a nightshift and caught 4th born eating a kitkat for breakfast 😂 silly child tried to hide the kitkat on the radiator ……… I removed melting kitkat – gave her a good telling off, saying how it’s not good for her to be eating chocolate at 7.00 in the morning bla bla bla marched into the kitchen and shoved the whole melting kitkat in my gob – ummmmm chocolate ❤️ I then  turned to see a little shocked face, open mouthed staring at me, whilst I looked like Jabba the Hutt with chocolate dripping off my chin …………. 😱

i know it’s only a matter of time before I fall off again because I told 3rd born, when she was 6, that I danced with Michael Flatley in Riverdance – I didn’t tell her to impress her I only told her this because I wanted to switch off the Tweenies to watch Riverdance and the only way she would watch it was because I was in it 😳 she still believes me now ……… But this won’t last as she keeps asking me to do a show in her assembly at school ………..  👯👯👯👯👯👯👯👯👯👯👯

Whheeeeeee, Whheeeeee down I go again 😳

Pain in the Arse Day – sorry – World Book Day!

Yeah yeah I know its all for a good cause and all that and bloody great fun for the kids to dress up instead of wearing boring school uniform, but, really?

“Dress up as your favourite Super Hero, Cartoon Character, Story Book Character bla bla bla!”  This is all well and good if you:

a)  have the creative touch and are one of those mothers who can whip up a costume with a piece of old sheet – I can’t!

b)  have some imagination and be really enthusiastic about the whole bloody thing – I’m not!

c)  have a cupboard – full to the brim with glitter, face-paints and all kinds of shit like that – I do – but its called the Kitchen!


I`ve just done an 8 hour nightshift – I walk in the door to Kiera the spoilt pampered Siamese (the love of Jeff`s life) wailing like a banshee for food – have you heard a Siamese cry? they are like new-born babies desperate to be breast-fed!  Peppa the Jack Russell permanently under my feet, in case, just in case, I walk out the door for a dog walk – minus the bloody dog!  Sandwiches to be made, ensure girls have everything they need in their bags, Jeffrey yelling for loo rolls and then, just then, they give it to me with two barrels “Mom, we`re dressing up today – I’m going as Mrs Doubtfire and Lana is going as Superman”

Arrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! and when exactly did you intend to tell me about this?

“There`s a letter in the bottom of my school bag” replies 3rd born ………………..

I reply sweetly “I only have half an hour to get you ready for school, I don`t have time to make a costume in half an hour”

When really I want to scream “For fucks sake!! I’m not a fucking mind reader, I don`t have fucking x-ray eyes to look through your school bag!!!”

Anyway the end result was 3rd born wearing her scout uniform – she`s Russell from UP 🙂 and fourth born wearing a pair of glasses – she`s Clark Kent!  They`re chuffed to bits 🙂 I’m a bloody genius – in fact I should be on Art Attack or Blue Peter 🙂 🙂

An unexpected break ……… “snort snort” 😄

And so it came about that my eyeball felt like it was hanging out of my eye – what had begun as a simple stye on my eye – or so I thought – turned out to be much worse.

I don’t like being ill or going to the doctors – I’m far too busy for all that shit – so I put off going to get my swollen eyeball checked out.  Eventually I couldn’t lower my head for the pain, which went from my dodgy eye right down to my jaw.  Jeff eventually had enough and forced me into the car – he had to force me cos I could no longer see the bloody car!  Off we toddled to the Eye Hospital, with me moaning the whole way about how we were wasting valuable NHS time – all for a bloody stye!  By this time I could have fitted half a dozen fat little piglets in aforementioned stye!

On arrival we were rushed through – this was possibly due to me frightening children in the waiting room – seeing as I hobbled along pretending to be Igor – “Master, Master” I called to Jeffrey, I was completely in character role and apart from eyeball nearly hanging out I was enjoying embarrassing him (I do this quite a lot as punishment for not finishing the decorating he started in 2013)

After being seen by various consultants I was rather gobsmacked to be told I had to be admitted immediately – they suspected I had orbital cellulitis, a serious condition which if left untreated could cause blindness or inflammation of the brain.

I was rushed upstairs and put straight on IV antibiotics, I was a bit scared – was I going to look this hideous for ever? my offspring won’t be able to face looking at me!  But more importantly I was going to have to leave Jeffrey in charge at home!!!!!!

“Must stop being control freak, must stop being control freak, must stop being control freak”  I repeated to get my panic under control.  He is more than capable of looking after offspring and animals, I don’t really mean it when I tell him if anything happened to me our children would end up in care!

Well it became clear I was going to be in hospital for a while.  I wrote out a list of instructions – telling Jeffrey all the important things he needed to know, like the children’s names and where to find clean school uniforms – I also gave him instructions on how to wash and brush his daughters’ hair (he’s bald and not familiar with this concept).

Jeffrey went off to collect the offspring and bring them in to see me – I pretended I was playing pirates when they arrived, just to reassure them I was ok 😃 I didn’t have access to a parrot so I improvised with a sick bowl on my shoulder.  They were reassured that eyeball was no longer going to fall out – well hopefully – but I cheered them up by telling them we could have a wicked Halloween playing with a real eyeball!

Once they had left me I looked longingly at my OWN BED!!!!!! Fuck – I couldn’t remember when I last had A BED TO MYSELF – in I climbed – absolute bloody bliss!  No one yelling at me that they’re hungry – no one expecting me to find clean pants for them – No one expecting me to scare the shit out of the cat by hoovering – the list was endless!

There I was laid in my bed armed with my 3 new paperbacks that had arrived from Amazon that morning – in Braille of course! I open up my bag of goodies I instructed jeff to bring me, cashew nuts, cadburys fruit and nut and a bag of pork scratchings (I have a bit of a soft spot for pigs, due to eye situation) shit – should have told jeff to bring me toiletries and clean pants as well as goodies to eat ……

The first night was a bit of a pain as they constantly woke me to administer my drugs but I didn’t mind – I intended to stay in bed the following day and catch up on around 8 years of sleep!

What a rude awakening I had the following day!  “Lisa, you really don’t need to be in bed all day” said Nurse Ratchett – I looked at her feebly, nodded and immediately buried my head under the covers.  I continued to do this all day, pretending to be asleep – only time I surfaced was when I heard the squeaky wheels of the tea trolley  “one tea for Jack Sparrow” the lovely tea lady would call cheerfully.

Nurse Ratchett was back on the war path again “Lisa, if you don’t get out of bed I will have to give you an injection to reduce the risk of a DVT” she threatened – “inject away Nurse Ratchett – I ain’t scared” I replied.  She just didn’t get it – I was knackered, working up to 50 hours a week, 4 kids, husband, a dog and a cat to look after – I was bloody well entitled to my little hollibob.

A different approach was needed and Nurse Ratchett started to play dirty and moved me out of my little haven of a room and transferred me to a ward – I wouldn’t even get out of bed to be moved – I was pushed down to my new home – full of elderly patients – a bloody bus man’s holiday for me!

i gradually ventured up and helped one of my fellow holiday makers onto the commode – due to eyesight impaired I didn’t realise the lid was still on it but we all had a good chuckle about that!  I fitted in a treat with those old biddy’s – we compared facial hair – I won for my extremely unwaxed chin.

IMAG1370They finally let me go home after 4 days – my eyeball was back where it should be and believe it or not everyone had survived at home without me ……………

Growing up – that other little talk ……………

“Mommy, why do we call our lulu a lulu?” asked third born aged 8 – whilst in the bath 🙂

Gulp  “Well, people have different names for different parts of their bodies” I replied “some people may call it their Fairy” – I made that name up – I sincerely hope no-one really calls it a Fairy 🙂 “Or they may call it their Mary” – to rhyme with Fairy 🙂  “or they may call it a flower” yeah Dairy or Daffodil are acceptable, as long as you don’t call it a rhododendron I guess any flower is Ok”

I was then wracking my brains to think of other cute little names for “lady bits” when she interrupted me with these little words of wisdom –

“Some people even call it a Vagina Mom” ……………..