I bloody hate swimming! 😳

One of my very first posts from when I still didn’t have any boobs 😄

I bloody hate swimming!  I think I`m mentally scarred from my teenage school days!

Swimming was always in the middle of the day, after you`d spent the morning applying your blue eyeshadow, flicking your hair into the latest Farah Fawcett Majors hair style and applying your Avon “Sweet Honesty” perfume.  You came out of the pool, rushing, so you`re not late for Double Maths, trying to pull your school uniform onto your still wet back, hair hanging down your neck like a load of rats tails, stinking of chlorine and eyes all red and bloodshot – looking like an extra from the Thriller video!

Course all this would have been worth it – had I had some boobs!  I was probably one of the last people in the school to grow a chest – well actually I`m still awaiting them now.  Worse of it was – I did grow an incredible amount of hair – and this was before I had discovered a Ladyshave!!  I would struggle into my school swimming costume, which occasionally I put on back to front – no one told me – in fact no one noticed ………… yet I would look like I had a hedgehog shoved down the front, trying to escape from the top of my thighs!!  My legs resembled something that had escaped from a Wildlife Park – teenage years were very trying for me.

I`ve done the sensible parent thing of ensuring all my children had swimming lessons – this was so I didn`t have to go in the sodding pool with them, which was why I was horrified when I took the girls a few years ago and was told Lana was still too young to go in without an adult – for fucks sake, surely a child of 4 can doggie paddle their way out of difficulties!

Course they were very disappointed, and because I love my children, most of the time, I duly went home to get my costume.

I`ve had the same swimming costume – yep that one in the photo – the old Speedo – for most of my adult life.  Buying a new swimming costume features very low on my list of priorities.  The last time I had worn this costume was in South Africa, on the beach.  When I needed a wee I duly went to the toilets, rather than wee in the sea like I’m sure most folk do, but being too lazy to take costume off, I just tugged it to the side.  I guess like most things, a costume has a shelf-life and eventually the elastic will go.

So after reluctantly getting my costume I took the girls swimming.  After hovering on the side with a face like a slapped backside – off I bobbed, doing my breast-stroke – things felt a little strange – down below………. felt like I wasn’t wearing anything ………………

And low and behold – the elastic had gone in my gusset – as I breast stroked my way across the pool, my gusset was down to my knees – the Life-guards whistle blew – he nearly fell off his platform in his hurry to leave the poolside…………

As a consequence I no longer have a costume and cannot take my children swimming – funnily enough they don’t want me to go with them anymore ……….. 🙂

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