Monthly Archives: October 2015

I bloody hate swimming! 😳

One of my very first posts from when I still didn’t have any boobs 😄

I bloody hate swimming!  I think I`m mentally scarred from my teenage school days!

Swimming was always in the middle of the day, after you`d spent the morning applying your blue eyeshadow, flicking your hair into the latest Farah Fawcett Majors hair style and applying your Avon “Sweet Honesty” perfume.  You came out of the pool, rushing, so you`re not late for Double Maths, trying to pull your school uniform onto your still wet back, hair hanging down your neck like a load of rats tails, stinking of chlorine and eyes all red and bloodshot – looking like an extra from the Thriller video!

Course all this would have been worth it – had I had some boobs!  I was probably one of the last people in the school to grow a chest – well actually I`m still awaiting them now.  Worse of it was – I did grow an incredible amount of hair – and this was before I had discovered a Ladyshave!!  I would struggle into my school swimming costume, which occasionally I put on back to front – no one told me – in fact no one noticed ………… yet I would look like I had a hedgehog shoved down the front, trying to escape from the top of my thighs!!  My legs resembled something that had escaped from a Wildlife Park – teenage years were very trying for me.DSC01096

I`ve done the sensible parent thing of ensuring all my children had swimming lessons – this was so I didn`t have to go in the sodding pool with them, which was why I was horrified when I took the girls a few years ago and was told Lana was still too young to go in without an adult – for fucks sake, surely a child of 4 can doggie paddle their way out of difficulties!

Course they were very disappointed, and because I love my children, most of the time, I duly went home to get my costume.

I`ve had the same swimming costume – yep that one in the photo – the old Speedo – for most of my adult life.  Buying a new swimming costume features very low on my list of priorities.  The last time I had worn this costume was in South Africa, on the beach.  When I needed a wee I duly went to the toilets, rather than wee in the sea like I’m sure most folk do, but being too lazy to take costume off, I just tugged it to the side.  I guess like most things, a costume has a shelf-life and eventually the elastic will go.

So after reluctantly getting my costume I took the girls swimming.  After hovering on the side with a face like a slapped backside – off I bobbed, doing my breast-stroke – things felt a little strange – down below………. felt like I wasn’t wearing anything ………………

And low and behold – the elastic had gone in my gusset – as I breast stroked my way across the pool, my gusset was down to my knees – the Life-guards whistle blew – he nearly fell off his platform in his hurry to leave the poolside…………

As a consequence I no longer have a costume and cannot take my children swimming – funnily enough they don’t want me to go with them anymore ……….. 🙂

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Growing up – That Talk!

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There comes a time when your children are growing up that you have to answer those awkward questions 🙂 I`ve always believed that if a child is old enough to ask something, they are old enough to have the correct response, how ever difficult or awkward that may be

I`ve often found that children ask questions when you are driving, something to do with the indirect eye contact, in my case its usually something like “Mom, why are you driving like an OAP?” or “Mom, why don`t you overtake that tractor, it`s only going 10mph!” 🙂

So it came about that we were driving along the busy A34 in Oxford, it was a wet and rainy day, with heavy traffic passing us on the dual carriageway.  Cam was sat in the back of the car, Chris was by my side at the front. Along the road we travelled  – slow lane obviously.  Out of the blue, a little voice of my 12 year old son “There`s a lot of drugs around Mom”

Whoa Whoa, where did that come from? I immediately went into responsible parent mode, radio was switched off, deep breath and calmly asked “we`ve never really discussed drugs have we Cam?”

“I’m not really that interested” he replied.  “Well, you must know a little Cam, otherwise you wouldn`t have mentioned them.”

I then proceeded to give my child a full run down of every drug and narcotic known to man, starting with Class A and finishing with Class Z.  I told him how they were taken, what sort of effect they could have, what potential harm they can do.  I finished my drugs talk with “They can kill you Cam!!”

A little voice from the back of the car replied “Only if you walked infront of them!”

Ehhhhhhh??????

Chris gave me a bemused sidewards glance –

“TRUCKS Mom, Cam said there were a lot of TRUCKS about – not DRUGS”

Sweet dreams – quiet tears ❤

Arowyn likes to fall asleep with lullabies playing, sometimes over 2 hours of mundane lullabies drift down the stairs each evening, I’m not surprised they help her sleep – anything to escape those same bloody lullabies 😁

Which was why last night I heard a different song – an album she had looked specifically for and that one track ……… “Guitar Man” The Sound of Bread.  I crept quietly into her room and wrapped her in my arms and we listened together.  You see, this was Mom’s album, the one we played endlessly whilst she was slowly fading away, and the one we played at her funeral ❤

I really tried so hard not to cry – I didn’t want Arowyn to think she had made me cry and also it’s a timeless beautiful album I wanted her to feel good about listening to it.

But my sweet little daughter said to me “Are you crying Mom?” “No” I replied “It’s ok if you are” she said – I did cry then – and do you know, it was ok ❤

7 months and it still hurts xx

Dad in charge 😄

Bloody typical – not only do I have a horrible reaction to my flu jab – first and last I’ll ever have 😱 but I have no choice but to hand the gauntlet of the household to Jeffrey – not on any old day – BUT – on the day the school photographer descends on the school 😨😨

I have to say I didn’t realise this until after the damage was done otherwise I would have dragged my carcass down the stairs to supervise – forgetting was probably nature’s way to make me stay in bed 😄

So Lana Gardiner went to school in a crumpled shirt – please, please say she kept her jumper on – Arowyn had a lanky ponytail – instead of her jaunty “high pony” 😄

Please tell me you smiled nicely and didn’t bugger about as you normally do Lana Gardiner and completely ruin any school photo taken – I beg on their return home 😨

We would have done, they replied  – however – Dad left the crusts on our sandwiches ………….. 😱

Well that’s done it then for another year *sigh*

He’s got a crush on me ❤

I think my bank manager has a crush on me ❤ he sends me a letter at the end of every month 😜

Course this was an assumption I made about the butcher.  Just before Christmas last year he asked me if I had any idea what I would like ordered for Christmas.  I gave him a coy smile and told him not to go to any trouble – chocolates or chanel perfume would be fine 😁

My Last Will and Testament (well, for this week) :)

Births, Deaths and Marriages 🙂

We are all 100% guaranteed to experience at least two of these things in our lifetime, and when you think about it – the planning and preparation that goes into an imminent birth begins, usually, from conception, if not before.  The same goes for a marriage, where preparations usually take a lot bloody longer than a birth-plan.  And yet, when it comes to the third Taboo subject, Death, no one really wants to prepare and make plans.

You are wary of broaching the subject with dear old Auntie Mabel.  Asking “Have you done a Will yet?” is likely to result in a whack around the head with her walking stick and words to the effect of “money grabbing bastards, you not getting a penny” 🙂  When you talk about making a Will, everyone looks horrified, no one wants to talk about morbid things like dying – and yet its our final moment – to leave our mark 🙂

This is why I`m very much sorted with regards to all my plans and wishes 🙂  So much so, that I change my Will, almost weekly, depending on my mood and what sort of day I`ve had 🙂  My Will is kept with a Solicitor, that offers a brilliant service which means I can change it accordingly and I`ve certainly taken advantage of that 🙂

I firstly decided I wanted to be buried rather than cremated.  This was probably on a “weepy day” when I decided I wanted my loved ones to have somewhere to weep around.  I`ve now changed my mind, seeing as the only churchyard I wanted to be buried in is quickly filling up – I don`t want to end up on a “new and modern” burial site, close to a motorway, which in 30 years time they will be building a Primark on top of me – ummmmm  actually I wouldn`t mind that, I love Primark.

So I then decided cremation was the way forward.  But where shall I be scattered?  I decided Durdle Door down in Dorset, I`ve had some lovely holidays down there 🙂  I made it clear to the boys what my wishes were, this was before Jeffrey was on the scene.  “Take me back to Durdle Door” I ordered “chuck me off the top of the cliff”  Chris looked at me, taking this very important conversation to heart and asked “do you want to be cremated first?”  Well, sweetheart, that would be more desirable – unless you wanted to completely fuck up someone`s picnic on the beach below!

Since then, I`ve changed my mind again.  Dorset is too far for everyone to travel to and if I die during the Winter, half the congregation will be blown off the cliff with me, gets very windy up there!  So I decided to have half of me scattered at the original graveyard and the other half up the hills with my Mom.  But this has caused a bit of concern.  What half of my ashes will be where?  Won`t be good having, say, 2 legs and an arm in one place – and the rest somewhere else.

So at the moment – I’m staying in one place – all of me 🙂

Course we then go onto my Wishes.  I have my music planned, going in and coming out, well, not me coming out obviously, just my grieving loved one.  But everytime a new “Now that’s what I call music 2,378” is released, I have a browse and think “Ooooh I like that track” and back on the phone again to the Solicitors to change my music.  Currently its “Happy” by Pharrell Williams – cos I`m in a good mood, planning Christmas and all that 🙂

By January it will possibly be “Imagine” by John Lennon again.

I’m very open about death and have made my children very relaxed about the subject.  I don’t want them to think its something to be afraid of.  I took the boys to see their Grampy at the Chapel of Rest when they were very young.  We all planted a big kiss on the top of his head and tucked his birthday cards into his suit pocket – he`d died just after his birthday and hadn`t had time to look at his cards – he looked alright, he would have looked better in his old Marks and Spencer cardi rather than a suit but it was a special occasion.  The boys took it all in their stride and didn`t bat an eyelid – just commented how bloody cold it was in there!

The girls happily go through my jewellery box commenting “Will this be mine when your dead?” course Arowyn is on a winner here at the moment as Lana – in her tomboy stage – doesn`t want any of my Claire`s Accessories bangles and baubles 🙂

My last change was to confirm who would be Guardians to the girls if Jeffery and I die tragically together – I had to change this as I think the Solicitor got a bit flustered last time and left the girls in the guardianship of the ex-husband instead of his sons (ex-husband unaware of this – so luckily I spotted it in time)

So as you can see, I change my Last Will and Testament fairly regularly which is why I was astonished when I rang the Solicitors yesterday to be told the nice man Simon who comes to our house to make the changes is now on permanent sick-leave, something about having a breakdown over workload …………… 😉

When Cam left home – 2013

My chocolate buttoned-eyed baby boy
To pastures new you fly
Who`s shoulder will I lean on
When I need to have a cry?Picture 046

You`ve grown so strong and handsome
so caring, loving and kind
I wish you love and happiness
and your goals you`ll truly find

I`ll miss you more than words can say
but I know you`ll have a blast
with those beautiful Senoritas
for you time will fly past

I hope you learn to cook and clean
and do your washing too
stay safe, have fun and laughter
part of us, you`ll take with you xx